So close

The daunting task of clearing out the studio is almost over. Finally took down that blue painting that’s been looming over my poor family for over a year while I was away at school.

Here’s a photo of before, I’ll post the after eventually but the plastic shelf is gone, the canvases have moved, and there’s a lot less clutter.

There’s that painting and all the mess of objects staged to be moved and organized.

I can finally take some of these supplies out of my bedroom.

It’s funny but now my bedroom is a mess as opposed to the studio now. It just… never ends. I truly wish a magical storage system like Animal Crossing existed. I could turn everything into leaves, put it in some invisible storage space, and call it a day. This house would look different every day.

On the art front, I’ve painted my friend Ally’s face several times. I probably look like a stalker since her face is posted up next to my computer. That’ll hopefully become my next new painting since I think it’ll be fun and that particular portrait had some otherworldly lighting. I’m stoked to mix paint on a palette again as well as try out my new oil sticks. There’s also a confusing oddity of a painting I need to figure out and move on from. It’s been haunting my studio forever. It’s chunky and gross from the amount of times I tried sanding it down and painting over it so now I’m just gonna pop off with it and see what I can do.

I’m rambling. This is a badly written post (par for the course). There’s a lot I wish to say but it seems like I should hold off and continue to reflect.

Busy Saturday

I feel like I have a knack for finding ways to make things operate in the opposite way in which they are supposed to. AKA it’s the weekend and I spent all day making work. While that was fun and of my own volition I’m worried I’ll set the tone for this week and be tired. But I’m always tired so… ha.

I had a small breakthrough while painting today. I decided to pull out my Strathmore Mixed Media paper and reminded myself of what it was like. I had some difficulties with the oil paper I was using earlier and I think I’ll use that material as intended moving forward (sometimes, at least). The mixed media paper took my watercolors and gouache beautifully. I was struggling for a long time trying to remember what paper worked best with my poster paints and now I’m ready to buy a whole new pack to keep the supply up. I soaked it on both sides and it was such a joy to work with. I also caught glimpses of some unique color combinations I could use.

Oh, and I used a new oil today and it was pretty great on my skin. Looking forward to rinsing off tomorrow so I can reapply.

I ate fonio for the first time as well. I mishandled the grain to water ratio but it was really nice. Kind of like couscous but a little like cream of wheat or grits because I had too much water. I’m still pretty hungry. I still need to declutter the studio too. It’s getting there but it’s not done yet.

I’m about to pass out. But this was a nice Saturday.

And it was the first of the month! Gosh, July just disappeared.

Gifts and patience

Well.

While I believe things tend to just happen because we live in a chaotic, ever-changing world… the timing has been incredible. As in… my period came this week and for some reason it’s been the first truly awful week I’ve had since coming home.

This morning took the cake, but it had nothing to do with me and I have to let it go. So I’m letting it go.

Shortly after that diffused I got a package in the mail from my dear Katharine. And it was her gift to me for my birthday. My friends are amazing. And!!! It’s something I was peeking at when the instagram ads were all up in my grill about it.

May I present…. Boy Smells

The name kind of hooked me right off the bat. And then the scent notes seduced me further. I’m a sucker for luxurious candles (and candles in general) so I was pretty stoked. Also, candles are soothing and having something rich and wonderful smelling after getting my nerves fried was much appreciated.

Cards and artwork!

Katharine was kind enough to include a print of a pastel she made beside me in my apartment. She also wrote a lovely message inside this tiny cat card. Helped me feel better immediately.

Gorgeous. That name too!

This candle smells stunning. I handed it to my dad earlier and he said if boys smelled like this… hahaha, if only. I may not have a man but this rich, heady, sensual candle is a welcome companion.

And hey, despite having a rough week I still have a lot to look forward to. I’ve actually approached people about making phone calls. I essentially have no qualms about that anymore. Makes things so much faster.

I keep notebooks now with information and questions for the people I work with. I have a wall of post-it notes of to-dos and reminders. It feels real! I’m also going to have to keep track of invoices so I can figure out my taxes as an artist and have started that process as well. Wild.

And, on that note, I need to make a lot of work in the next couple of months. It’s super exciting but also daunting. My studio is still a disaster and it’s even more overwhelming than I thought. There’s just not enough space in this house. A lot will have to go. I question if I can even keep the small section of the couch in there. There’s also just a ton of things I’m not interested in using anymore. House paint I experimented with and enamels that are most likely dried out. There’s a lot. But, something I like to imagine is that I’ll end up making so much work that I’ll loop back around to using some of those supplies out of necessity.

Lately I’ve been into the watercolors since I’ll try and draft things out for some paper pieces soon.

So hey, another happy belated birthday to me. I’m going to enjoy my Boy Smells tonight and wake up renewed and ready to declutter tomorrow.

Ahhh~

As of yesterday, July 8th 2020, I sold my artwork for the first time formally. And for a not insignificant amount of money. I feel like a new woman. And within the past few days I’ve already gained so much information regarding how art transactions work, and pretty soon I’ll be packaging and shipping my art for the first time ever! Words can’t express how happy I am and being able to potentially live off my art makes me even more excited to keep producing it. It’s affirming that people enjoy what I make enough to want to purchase and put it up in their homes. People had shown interest before but I was too scared and unsure of what to do. I no longer have those inhibitions, you can only learn by doing and I’ve had some awesome people provide tons of guidance. There’s no reason to be timid anymore. Now I suppose it really is Cancer season! 🦀

I also wanted to share some birthday flowers I received a few days ago from my dear Annie 🐇

She knows I love blue! 💙

This is the first time I’ve ever gotten flowers delivered to my home! I love it! They’re still blooming and unfurling but it’s wonderful having fresh flowers to look over at every day on my desk.

These are composed of delphinium and limonium. Gorgeous! 🥰

I’ve been feeling wonderful the past week and I hope the momentum continues. I have a clean and mostly organized bedroom, my artwork is going to a good home, I made real money off of my art, and I can put some of that away to re-invest in my practice! I made my first big girl purchase (as in, with my own money) and got an ergonomic chair for my desk so I can work more efficiently and improve the issues I have with my back and posture. This feels like real adult hours now.

I’ve even written up spreadsheets! I never thought that was a skill I’d need to utilize!

So grateful and excited for now as well as what is to come~

Expectations

There’s been a palpable sense of uncertainty and frustration for everyone lately. Obviously. But if I could turn inward for a moment. I know these posts I write are often dumps of to-do lists all the way to weirdly articulated rants about feelings I don’t like. It’s all “personal”. But I still hold back, and will likely continue holding back somewhat, because there’s no way I can begin to describe how I feel in perfect detail at any given moment. But in this moment I’m thinking a lot about setting expectations, understanding the worth of one’s self, and learning to accept the murky mysterious nature of what is ahead.

I’m in a place in my life where I feel more lucid, cognizant, and sober than I have ever been. That awareness is welcome but it has also enabled me to see that the more I know the more I understand how little I know. It feels overwhelming most of the time. Then I understand why people who seem wise beyond their years are able to take things in stride and roll with the punches. It’s because they have to. There’s only so much control a person has over anything, even their own life. You obtain and hone all the skills and tools you need to make it where you feel you want and need to be just to be faced with a new problem or realization that turns everything on its head. You pursue a passion then realize it’s not the right fit for you. You pursue a person you come to understand is not actually on the same page. Your core beliefs no longer align with the faith you’ve been adhering to for most of your life. You reach the understanding that things are not what you perceived them to be in any capacity. You may be surprised to know that what you want isn’t actually what you need.

And that’s it, really. There’s no answer or foolproof reasoning that can be applied to this overwhelming wave of revelations and truths. However, the peace and ability to take things as they come is cultivated through accepting matters as they are and being able to detach and let go when they shift unpredictably or negatively. I’m someone that gets so potently excited when I think something good is coming my way and my life experience is so limited that my hopes and desires often propagate exponentially. There’s nothing wrong with having high standards and feeling enthusiasm. But! Time and time again I’ve let my expectations run wild and have ended up disappointed. This isn’t a call to lower standards for myself but to reserve my unbridled joy for when a situation reveals its true nature. Romance, friendships, artistic and financial opportunities… anything. I used to think people that could quickly shrug and move on with their day after a recent upset had it all wrong. That they were foolish or unable to comprehend the weight of their circumstances. Now I understand that they are likely fully aware of what’s going on and they know that there’s only so much they can do. I am envious of those sensibilities now. It’d make life so much easier to traverse through. But again, everyone has a different journey.

As with so many things, frustratingly so, it’s easier said than done. I’m still going to get amped over people, things, and happenings and at some point feel the heartbreak of disappointment. I see my friends get hurt and disappointed in their own lives despite knowing that they’re doing their best, doing everything right, and that they deserve good things. Yet the hits keep coming. You’d wonder if it was possible to have a karmic scale that could make everything reach some sort of pleasant equilibrium. Nah. It ain’t in the books. Nature is chaotic. Life is chaos. Life is pain. And this isn’t me being a downer. Anyone who has even cursory knowledge of Buddhism is aware of this and it’s not meant to be an indictment on life itself. But the usual reaction to things falling apart is to feel you or someone else has failed, that this isn’t how it should be, that something is wrong. And while elements of these could certainly be true that’s a harsh view to have when the world around you is unpredictable and out of your hands. Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. But the pain that’s felt isn’t a doomsday clock upon your person. It’s part of this life we all live. You cannot have one without the other and it’s important that these aspects of experience be allowed to bloom. If you suppress one for long enough it will come to impact the other. And to speak qualitatively… that’s usually not good.

I’m still figuring that out for myself.

As to not get too existential (too late) and spacy I’ll stop here. So many other people and texts have described this in a more articulated and intelligent manner but these are my ponderings. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately in regards to myself and the people I care about.

Clean and clear (Part I?)

So, I gotta clean up a lot of stuff… again. That seems to be the theme this year.

Favorite breakfast lately: Fruit yogurt with chocolate chips mixed in.

Odor and grime threshold: 2 days maximum. At day 3 of not having showered I feel… odious.

Excitement for incoming art supplies and skincare: It be high, mang.

At this point in the morning (9:22 AM as of this writing) I’m considering doing yoga. Something simple to get my hip right, perhaps. But considering I’ve re-cluttered this bedroom with more items that’s probably not going to happen. What’s more likely is I’m going to shower and go about my day while the floor of my bedroom serves as a staging area for more organizing. The next big phase of all of that will be the clothing I brought with me…. I don’t have a walk-in closet anymore. Now I see why that’s so cherished and adored. I like my closet, but it ain’t that big and there’s certain things I simply don’t wear anymore. C’est la vie.

Onto another art note:

A little abstract jawn done in oils on printmaking paper

I recently dug this out of a box along with several other small experiments on paper. It made me think for a moment that perhaps abstract work might be a path to go down. But then I realized abstract work is extremely difficult and requires careful layering and compositional skill from an entirely different point of view so I enjoyed this as a fun one-off instead. The art note I want to remember today?

Strathmore Heavyweight Printmaking Paper (likes):

• Oil paint

• Oil pastels

• Front facing side may be friendlier for receiving media. Unsure of tooth/grit of either side

Things I want to try:

1. Hahnemuhle Harmony Hot Pressed Watercolor Paper

2. Mijello White Watercolor

3. Making a zine!!!

   1. So… I’ve always wanted to do this but had no idea how. I still don’t. But I know it’s possible. It seems pretty punk rock and sick nasty and all that cool stuff.

P.S. In order to turn off touch for iPad press the home button three times. That way laying anything on top won’t make the screen interact and go haywire. I don’t have a home button on mine so I’ll find the alternative “button” press. Thanks, MilkyWaes! They inspired the zine making hopefulness as well.

Paying attention

Alright, I’ve started this morning by laughing into my gourd and making tea leaves fly everywhere. Haha.

Inspiration struck me yesterday and I could not stop cleaning. I intended to stop at five because I wanted to get some art and Persona in but it didn’t happen. I gave myself about 10 minutes at the end of the night to play with my recently unearthed acrylic ink and to try and address a botched painting but… that was it! I went to bed at one and called it a night. Huh.

Tiny scraps of Arches oil painting paper with gouache and ink. Tempted to call them art snacks

These little fellas are my pseudo swatches of my HIMI/MIYA gouache. I had done a lot of experimenting with paper over the past three years and neglected to record any of it. I had this Arches oil painting paper that I had no idea how to use. I did oil paintings, yes, but they didn’t come out well. But I looked at the tooth of the paper and the fact it was powerful enough to take oils and thought… maybe water based media would be cool? Lo and behold I like them together a lot! The paint doesn’t really absorb into the paper as it normally would since I suspect there’s some sort of binder that repels water somewhat (but only somewhat!) That makes sense, but this is actually what I want. And hey, even though my oil paintings on this paper didn’t come out well I must say the oil applied and absorbed into it beautifully. Glad I was curious enough to get a pad.

I’ve tried several different watercolor papers and mixed media. Some of them have been perfect for my needs, but I’m going to have to try them all over again because I can’t remember what pad or block had the dream combination. So, in this blog post, I’m marking and documenting an observation I intend to remember. I have a lot of accumulated art supplies that are extremely useful but they need to be inventoried and supplemented with notes for their use. I didn’t think I’d reach a point in my life where that’d be necessary or desired! I enjoy that. And I’m grateful I’ve had the great fortune of being able to acquire this many materials and supplies. Alright, focus!

Additional note about this paper? For a very long time it was in low stock and seemed that it was going to be discontinued. Hardly anyone was selling it. Then it started coming back into supply potentially this year or last year. Serendipity? ;)

Arches Oil Painting Paper (likes)

• Gouache

• Acrylic ink

• Toothy side with evenly dispersed weave (other side is patterned)

Bonus:

I unintentionally split a brush and ended up making little hatch marks. I’ve known about this technique previously but had kind of forgotten about it. This is a reminder to try it again sometime!

Oh yeah, I’ve also stumbled upon Pear Fleur’s videos on youtube and they’re fantastic for observing an extremely versatile artist take their time and work. She typically works with gouache and watercolor and it’s amazing what she does. She makes me want to refine my own approach!

26

Oh hey, it’s my birthday! Dang.

I made a pseudo mint julep and a follow up cocktail of bourbon with hazelnut liqueur. Yum! And it’s generally been a truly lovely day. I neglected to actually ask and tell my family about what I wanted but they were still prepared. They gave me a really beautiful card and some loaded up gift cards to some of my favorite places. I just remembered my brother brought me a small cup of coffee when I woke up too. Then I spilled some on my pillow right after he handed it to me. My pillow smells like coffee now, I’m not mad about it.

I’m officially in my late twenties now. And I’m admittedly a bit drunk. It seems appropriate. Also, suddenly graced by the scarlet moon. Also appropriate?

I took pictures to commemorate the day. It’s been a ridiculous year on all accounts and it continues to escalate. Although things continue to change around me and within me I know something that continues to remain true: I’m corny. A lil’ cheesy. Maybe with some ham mixed in.

It was gorgeous outside in the early evening

I have not yet had a photoshoot in the garden. My neighbors are probably wondering what the heck I’m doing

Looking to my mate for answers. I think I was inebriated at this point. This is my new and updated workspace, by the way

“:-}”

“Ahaha! Ah yes, an open window is truly a marvel”

Not sure why I decided to go with this posture and pose with the arm crossing but it’s fine. Don’t worry about it

Note: Written a day later because I went to bed early

I wanted to be silly. I think I accomplished that. I haven’t done this for myself in a long time.

I look the same as I have in previous years. I have my piercing I got in LA February of 2019 and I’m more willing to wear things that show my back and legs despite both of those things being covered in acne scars. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Clipping my hair up as it grows out is new and I prefer it to a ponytail. It’s how my mother wears her hair. I also forget, but I have my MFA now! That’s a lot. So while I look the same there’s a lot that has changed in every other aspect of my person and circumstance. We’ll see how much occurs once I reach 27.

I had a wonderful birthday, and apparently my brother intends for us to celebrate for the remainder of June. I’m down! Thanks and much love to everybody that left me sweet birthday wishes. 💛

Summer 🌞🌚🌝✨🌹

I don’t know where to begin. I thought I had already relegated myself to a sleepy, quiet summer of hiding in isolation but it seems things have taken a big shift. I don’t want to jinx it but I’ve been stunned by what’s transpired the past few days.

https://hyperallergic.com/565810/mfa-virtual-projects-calarts-otis/

The Hyperallergic article featuring my classmates, myself, and students from CalArts came out on… Monday? The same day I had a huge spike in numbers to my site. Then emails to my business account which has been desolate since its creation, and then dm’s! I know I have to level my excitement and not get too swept up in case things don’t pan out as I hope but I never expected any of this to occur anytime soon. It’s all in the same week of my birthday, too. I turn 26 tomorrow, in about 30 minutes of this writing. I wrote up prices for work I didn’t think people would take an interest in anytime soon and I suddenly have way more eyes on me than ever before.

Ahhhh! It almost feels like an early birthday present! My hands were shaking earlier as I was confirming details and writing to folks. It probably seems like too much but I almost teared up from just how overwhelmed I felt (and honestly still feel). It’s one of the first times in a while I didn’t get bogged down in my spiraling, negative thoughts that tend to insert themselves everywhere. You know, it feels like all of this really has been worth it. And I know it’s too soon to know and say that. But considering I’ve been graced with a lot of support and fortunate circumstances despite whatever way I feel…. there’s a lot of good that has happened in my life and I don’t see that changing for the worse. In fact, I think it’ll continue to get better. That’s always the hope, right? I just didn’t think it would happen so soon after so much uncertainty and disappointment. I’m overjoyed and I can’t say I’ve felt that particular emotion that often the past couple of years. This is a positive step forward regardless and I’m so thankful it’s here.

I have something to look forward to and strive for that feels a lot more tangible and knowable. If these next few things fall into place, or even part of them do, then I can actually start setting realistic long term goals which is not something I fathomed having the ability to do anytime soon. I can be an adult. And eventually an independent adult responsible for her own needs while being able to provide and give back a little. That’s what I want. And if I’m able to do that primarily and even exclusively through my art for the foreseeable future then that is truly a dream come true.

I have a lot ahead of me and I have the freedom and incredible privilege of being able to navigate freely and tread as I wish. That feels good and I’m excited about it.

Thank you. Stoked.

Love,

Nefertiti 💙💗💛

P.S. Happy 26th Birthday to me! 🥳🦀♋️❣️

Coffee?

I haven’t mentioned it but I’ve been reacclimating to coffee since it’s in never ending supply in this household. It hasn’t been “hurting” me in the way it had been before, but I’ve also been drinking micro cups. I don’t know the actual size but the mugs are teeny tiny, about the size of tea cups. However… as of yesterday I poured myself a normal mug. I actually didn’t finish it. So I’m drinking day old coffee, which is fine. But, I remembered I slipped some Frangelico Hazelnut Liqueur in there. It doesn’t taste alcoholic at all, just pleasantly sweet and a bit aromatic from the hazelnut. Gotta be careful with that. I’m also more inclined to drink coffee right now because I’ve misplaced my thermos so drinking mate from my gourd isn’t as easy as I had made it. There’s a full gourd with no water sitting on my desk. Aww.

I like this! And yes, that’s Sonic toast for my sandwich. My sweet Mom also picked a bouquet of mint and roses for me 💖

My brother and I hauled my desk from LA up to my room two nights ago. It fits nicely in here and gives me a spot to think while I sort out the rest of the clutter in this room. Not gonna lie, I’m enjoying it without my desktop taking up room but I know it’ll be fine either way.

The rest of the clutter. Good lord, haha

Hard to tell, but that’s my bed underneath all of those objects. I’ve actually been sleeping on the floor the past two days while I gradually organize. I have an old oversized yoga mat that’s been working as my buffer between me and the floor. And honestly? It’s pretty comfortable. I can’t do it forever but I may implement this as an alternative when my bed feels uncomfortable. It’s been a long time since I’ve slept on a floor but it almost feels like having a sleepover at my own house. Wherever I end up in the future I might not be against having a proper Japanese futon I could roll up and put away (I’ve actually been curious about it for a while). Then I’ll be able to craft my life after the teenagers in Persona 4. ;)

So, progress that’s been made?:

• My sleep seems to have stabilized

• My room will have much more space than before once everything is in its place

• I like being able to follow and aspire to a schedule

• (More of an observation) I have to eat breakfast to have a good day. That hasn’t been the case for years, if ever. So something has changed

Cool, cool, cool. Man, I even fell asleep thinking about logging my materials so I could remember how I like using them…. If I truly end up doing that I’ll be impressed with myself. I used to think my brain could retain all of that, but nah, that’s a lot.

For now, after having a moment to digest my meal, I’ll continue cleaning while using the Pomodoro timer (it’s been so useful, ahhh!)

P.S. I…. think I want to create a nano tank in this bedroom. I used to keep fish, believe it or not. I want one that I can grow and populate from the ground up. Real soil, other substrate, and live plants. Amano shrimp seem like they’d be fun to have around and keep me company. Maybe that will be my rogue birthday ask???

Dad Day

We celebrated Father’s Day earlier and it was very lovely and cozy. My Dad seemed pretty elated and that always makes me feel good. My mother gave us Father’s Day gift duties. My brother was tasked with covertly buying a grill and I was asked to draw a photo of my brother and I from when we were children. I think my Mom definitely nailed it with those gifts. I got up bright and early (for me) at 8:30 AM to finish the drawing and despite the small amount of sleep it felt wonderful opening the blinds and getting to work. I finished around 12 and presented it to him and he was overjoyed. Woohoo! ❤️❤️❤️☺️

My brother and I at the first house I remember living in. I’ve got water balloons in my hands. Summer, probably. Check out our dual fros!

Junk

There’s a cacophony of small things to sort through. I realized how much more space is truly in here with a small fraction of the floor cleared. I managed to throw away some trash that had been sitting in here for who knows how long. What did I think I was going to do with a bag from Hot Topic that’s literally almost a decade old? Why am I like this. That’s usually the conclusive question I circle back to. The actions of my previous self make this current version of me tired and perplexed.

Most of this room would be empty if I applied the Marie Kondo method of considering what brings me joy in here. It’s a mixture of things I need, like my electronics, art supplies, and books, and then….. miscellany that’s harder to discard. Old clothes, jewelry, knick knacks, remnants of gifts from exes. In regards to practicality they’re the least useful and significant items. In reference to joy, if there is any to be had it’s compromised. But they take up a good chunk of space in this room and I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger and discard or re-home them. I’m not used to throwing things away. My dad wants to get a storage container for a good chunk of our belongings but most of these things I personally have should be trashed if I’m not keeping them. I’m still fantasizing about being able to exist out of a backpack if I really needed to. I also keep drooling over minimalist living spaces. I think about times I stayed in hotels and how much I enjoyed that because only the necessary items were present (while still being cozy).

Ugh

In other news… my goal sometime this Saturday is to make French toast. But, like, fancy. I made a chickpea salad sandwich earlier today, which was delicious, then my mother made salmon fried rice and it was fantastic. Then we had fried chicken sandwiches later which was just *chef’s kiss*. Food! I love it!

Ah, and I’ve come up with an outlandish fantasy birthday item list:

1. Safety Kleen Sink

2. Lemon Ginger Mate in bulk

3. Oil painting paper

4. Linen

5. New Japanese aluminum pot

6. Casein paint

7. Everbearing strawberry runners

8. A clue

It's all back home

Sleep health: 65% Nightmares: None! I dreamt about making boxed mac and cheese.

Today was finally the day all of my belongings from LA arrived. The final container.

I now have my bed, it’s so much more comfortable than my old mattress. It’s also noticeably shorter in length than my old bed so I wasn’t just imagining that. I had to clear out a bunch of stuff from under the bed. A few of the standout items were my brother’s red power ranger glove from when he was little, an English test from high school I got a 97 on, and an old gift I had forgotten about with wrapping paper to match.

I slept. Saying I slept well is a bit of a coin toss since getting any sleep at all is a massive improvement. The sleeping pill definitely worked. It also did what was expected and I felt absolutely hazy for at least 5 hours after waking up. It was worth it, though. Not taking one tonight even though it’s FOUR AM . Yikes. I’m hoping finally being able to rest in my real bed will make the night go smoother. Though I can hear the birds waking up outside so…. Also, no responses to that poll about sleep aids. To be expected, this website might as well be a ghost town most of the time, haha. I imagine everyone does some combination of what I listed and more.

As for implementing a schedule, well… I showered today after getting super gross from providing minimal help to my father when moving some of my things inside. And then there was no real structure to the day. I did help out by making dinner. Cheeseburgers. Felt good about that at least.

I watched my brother play The Last of Us: Part II which was fun. Though there were some jump scares that resulted in me spilling beer all over myself. I didn’t even drop the can. I shook so much from being startled that it splashed onto me and then started to violently erupt with foam. Now it’s flat. Darn.

Oh, Happy Juneteenth!!! And goodnight.

What's old is new again

I just took a sleeping pill a few minutes ago to prevent the happenings of last night from repeating again.

I joined the meeting earlier and thought it was productive and hope some real change can come of it.

And dinner was great. Beef roast with broccoli and rice.

I did not get any art done. Wasn’t in my hands today. But, I got to hug my family since I passed the two week quarantine.

I played Animal Crossing and visited my brother’s town since Celeste was visiting. The shooting stars were endless. They’re still probably going. Before that we couldn’t get any to appear. The shores of our beaches will be littered with star fragments. Oh, and speaking of… one of my apps pointed out that Mercury is apparently in retrograde. I did not read further, but hopefully it’s not like Venus. Still, I did get taken back to a previous version of myself about an hour ago.

My computer suddenly needed to restart. When I booted it back up the apps that were already open popped in. Photos landed in front and it had reset to the beginning of all my pictures. I found myself scrolling through, seeing images I hadn’t seen in years. I remembered that I had the great privilege and pleasure of vacationing in Hawaii and saw I documented conversations that I can barely remember the context of. That platinum haired, blue haired, purple haired, eye-shadow wearing version of myself seems completely foreign to me now. I admittedly look back with some envy. She painted the town red and was on the precipice of a new, exciting phase in her life. She seems so loud and willing to please. Then again, I’m glad I’m cognizant and lucid in the way I am now. She was young and naive. I’m still young…ish and still a touch naive, but that’s slowly being replaced with experience and jadedness. It’s incredible how much has changed and how ready I am to keep that change going. I feel unwell remembering the old habits and actions I had. What was it for? Old Nef seems so unlike me now. I know that’s natural but it makes me wonder what the true essence of myself really is if I shift so much with each new phase of my life.

But hey, we all deal with this whether we want to admit it or not. I’m another soul in the throes of this mortal coil, trying to find my way. It is what it is.

P.S. Looking through those old photos I realize I haven’t really taken a personal selfie this year so far. Certainly dumb ones to make myself and my friends laugh but nothing where I thought I looked nice. Not sure what to make of that.

Too tired

Sleep health: 20% // Nightmares: A vivid and awful one that made me fear for my life. Odd.

I made a conscious effort last night to go to bed and listen to pink noise to help me enter deep sleep. However, I seemed to miss my window and tossed and turned while the sun came up. At some point I did fall asleep, then I started to wake up a bit at 9:30, not really being fully rested. Immediately after that I got a call that I answered. I shouldn’t have answered that call, let’s just say that. Picking up the phone and immediately becoming irritated has now jarred me awake. I was so close to falling back asleep before the phone went off but now I’m too worked up to rest again. I have a meeting I want to join today so it’s going to be hard to stay focused. And yeah, the sleep I did manage to get was compromised. 💀

What I’d say to the person in the dream and the person on the phone if I could. 🖕

My nightmares are usually unpleasant re-imaginings of unfortunate events. That also means I’m still thinking about them to this day. I don’t often feel that my life is being threatened at these moments. This was different. It was a mixture of bad, reconfigured memories along with amplified threats to my well-being. While it’s not something that would actually happen it felt real in that moment. It was already violent in one way when I experienced it in reality but now it was corporeally violent. 2020, what a year.

The weather is a bit chilly and gloomy today too. It’d be nice if it rained to provide something soothing to hear. While I know there’s still time for the day to evolve I feel the tone has been set. I’m exhausted again, not sure what I want to do today, and I have a lot I’ll be unpacking from the terrible things I saw in my sleep.

Apparently certain sleeping positions can encourage bad dreams to propagate. I slept on my belly, which is not typical for me, though it’s something I’ve been trying to practice. It may not have helped.

Anyway.

Ideally, in some small way, I wish to implement a schedule. Waking up at 8:30 AM sounds like the optimal area for me to strive for currently. I’m kind of aping a schedule I found online that I really liked but I’m going to configure it for what I think might work for me.

8:30 AM: Wake up

9:00 AM: Prepare mate

9:30 AM: Eat breakfast

10:00 AM: Shower and/or Get dressed

11:00 AM: Work (In my case, decluttering, painting, drawing, anything that needs and wants to be done)

1:00 PM: Lunch (If I’m not hungry I think eating more fruit as a filling snack may be the answer)

3:00 PM: Continued work or exercise with my brother (He’s considering doing it midday. I go when he goes)

4:00 PM: More work

5:00 PM: Freeballing hours

This is the rough, unpracticed skeleton of a schedule. We’ll see how it goes once I’m able to hit that wake up time. As a tenderfoot of… life I thought a 9-5 schedule would be good to follow as a routine. I know this doesn’t resemble a typical or common one but… gotta start somewhere.

The first new thing I’m going to try is actually dressing like I’m going out. I haven’t put on makeup in over a month but looking nice might help me feel like getting stuff done. And since there’s no one to dress up for except for myself well… might as well. 💅🏽

What do you folks do when you can’t sleep?

Game day

Today was great. My brother and I just played video games and watched anime all day. I also instigated the wine initiative so we’ll see how that goes.

I messed around in Persona 4 last night but I wanted to play Amid Evil today. That and Dusk were in a bundle sale and I had gained an interest in them about a month or so ago. They’re both first person shooters, not usually my genre. For one, I’m bad at them. For two…. that’s actually it really. I appreciate them but I’m not great with that style of fast-paced gameplay. However, Amid Evil has a setting and style I very much enjoy. I played through about three levels and could actually feel myself getting the hang of it. From what I understand, it’s more akin to retro 3D shooters and embodies their quirks. I’m not familiar with many of them but it definitely had an old school feel with a fresh visage on top. I mean, you can get a weapon that’s a straight up wand of planets that shoots celestial bodies at your enemies that blow up. Incredible.

It’s a fun mixture of magic and melee. I actually want to continue through it since it seems like something that won’t take forever. However, my lack of FPS experience and generally being spooked by most things means I had a bit of a learning curve. I admit I yelped and screamed unintentionally several times because of how stressful trying not to get killed and running out of ammo felt. There’s also something about the sound, it feels like the enemy is right up on your tail because of how loud they are. I was even sweating a bit, ha. I can see why people bro out over this stuff. Positive bro-ing, though. Not that obnoxious scream at whoever is close by, throw in some slurs, and break the controller bro-ing. That’s not cool. But yes, I started dying several times after a certain point and figured it was a good time to stop.

Started seeing this screen a bit too often 😥

All in good fun. And hey! I’m going to bed before 3 for once! Yay!

P.S. I also got an email from my professor just now asking for my address so she can send me a book! How sweet! 🥰

Sunday

At this point this blog is going to become a way for me to input and track the changes in my sleep patterns.

Sleep health: 40% // Nightmares: None! Finally!

I missed a call earlier but it certainly woke me up. I’m accepting that I won’t feel normal until about 5-8 PM for the next week or so. Do I need to force myself to stay awake? Absolutely no caffeine during the day at all? Is the missing ingredient exercise? Relaxing showers before bed?! Do I gotta start dipping into the kava and valerian root again???

Today will likely be another gouache testing day. Thinner washes seems better with this brand so if that’s the case I’ll essentially never have to buy watercolors ever again (but they aren’t the same thing, I know). Another possible avenue of exploration came to me when I saw some gorgeous woodblock prints by Oscar Droege. Yes, I came across them on pinterest. It’s a really great resource for further research, okay?

Then my favorite super cool magical multi-talented workshop artist (working title) James Gurney happened to have a blog post providing a bit more background on Droege. Please feel free to read here.

(Paul?) Oscar Droege, couldn’t find a title or date

This was the first one I came across but there so many others. It seems that his full name is Paul Oscar Droege but he’s commonly known as Oscar Droege. I may have to ask my professor Kathrin if she knows of him. A book of his work would be great.

His woodblock prints in particular are intricately detailed yet delicate. Soft gradients, cohesive linework, and thoughtfully arranged compositions full of depth. I don’t currently have the means to make prints. I could technically do relief prints, which is what these are, but it’s been a long time and I’d prefer doing it in the appropriate space if I can help it. That’s besides the point, though. I was inspired to attempt creating similar images via my gouache and poster color. The paper that got damaged during the move could serve as a great training ground for this since I can’t use it for its original purpose. Believe it or not I used to have a light, feathery hand. I was all about washes and careful layering. Then I gradually came into making goopy, thick, and opaque work. I suspect it’s because I lost my patience for seeing something slowly come together and I just couldn’t figure out how to make sense of it all. Doesn’t mean I found a better method, it’s actually contributed to my lack of understanding. Anyway, I want to try and create similar images to these woodblocks but with a brush. I have some old photos of landscapes and plants that I can potentially use and it’d be cool! Pondering over.

Last night I got to talk to Annie 🐇via FaceTime! Now I know my iPad is the way to go since my phone can’t seem to take the load. It was so lovely and much needed! She had her usual beautiful touches of highlight and eyeshadow and I almost mistook the rosy hue on the walls as her own bedroom. I got to meet her boyfriend as well, also lovely, and I’m starting to think that’s how I’ll have to meet most of my friends’ SO’s moving forward if this pandemic doesn’t subside anytime soon. Time to ask Katharine if her and Reddy are down for a FaceTime meet and greet. Annie and I laughed about our thighs and gaining weight during quarantine. She perfectly articulated the consistency and said they were like Play-doh. If only the fat on our thighs were truly like Play-Doh and it could be taken and displaced elsewhere. If that were possible I’d immediately transfer what’s on my stomach and legs to my chest and my butt. Unfortunately, the human body is not malleable in that way. No anime waifu body for me. 🍈🍈🍑

However, the conversation her and I had along with many conversations my brother and I have had has helped me reach a decision…. I think I have to limit my beer intake. I’ve been casually having at least one beer every day and I have to assume that adds up. There’s also been an abundance of food at this house which is wonderful but I need to practice more mindful eating. I decided that I’ll change over to wine (I know that’s not a real solution, shhh) and I’ve also decided that I need to start eating more tofu again. My mouth watered at the thought of tofu steak with caramelized onions on top. If I paired it with a salad it’d be a solid enough meal. And then… I’ll have to find an exercise I can do consistently…. egads! Perhaps I’ll ask my father for boxing lessons and Shaka and I can do some cardio while we watch anime. I’m already dreading it. 😅

Ready to pass out again and it isn’t even noon. Ahhhhh

I wonder what y’all do when you can’t sleep/need to stay awake? I know, opposites. They’re going hand in hand for me, however. Perhaps I’ll put up a poll(?) or questionnaire tomorrow and see if anyone answers.

Old hopes brought home

My sleep health: 30% 🆖(apparently this symbol actually stands for “no good”) // Nightmare: One of the worst yet, and they’ve been consistently heavy hitting. Need to narrow down what’s causing them.

I essentially spent the night in the throes of several half-asleep hallucinations. Then I got a call that one of the U-boxes was arriving today at 6:30 AM. It’s 10 AM as of me writing this and I’m exhausted and hoping to fall asleep.

Editor’s note: She fell asleep. Until 3 PM! It was also no good.

The U-box full of all my giant canvases and the tool cart arrived today. The paper I had rolled up was damaged and punctured, sadly, but I packed that box haphazardly and was primarily concerned about the paintings. Everything else was fine!

I made this a whole piece. That receipt is the record of my purchase of the canvases I bought for my original thesis. Below that was the date for my week in the Bolsky. Below that is a pastel painting that seemed to pair nicely with the whole idea. “Bright Ideas”

Entering their building with a purse full of the most cash I’ve ever carried made me feel like a “real” artist. Or perhaps more like a real adult. There was a significant discount for bringing in cash since there wouldn’t be tax so I took the chance. I had never made a purchase like that and I was so excited. They even expedited the order for me despite having a ton of other artists ordering canvases at the same time due to art fairs happening all over. Then the pandemic happened. I was in the studio every night and then everything got cancelled. I had to leave them behind and move everything into my apartment. Now that I have all of those artworks back here in New Jersey I can continue, but this is where it started and despite how heartbroken I felt at the time it’s intriguing to look back upon. It was ambitious to try and complete all of these works within a little over a month but now I have all the time in the world.

And hey, in other news, PS5 reveal and PC Gaming Show! Excited for a lot of stuff in each but a huge surprise was finding out that Persona 4: Golden is on Steam with HD Graphics! About 3 or 4 years ago I started playing P4 during the summer and I thought it was great. I was following a guide at the time but deviated a bit to make the playthrough more akin to my sensibilities. But, it’s been about 3 or 4 years since I booted it up and I can’t remember everything I was juggling. You have to keep track of several threads in the game if you want to complete/fully unlock certain things. I hesitate now but I’ll probably start over. It’s a wonderful game so it’ll be a joy, I’ll probably cry harder now at certain points because life has been harder in some ways. Regardless, it feels like a summery game and it’s one I want to finish.

Stoked for hot dogs and hamburgers today. I asked my dad last night if we could have some soon and he said sure, tomorrow! Ooo! Now it’s really summer. I got my cute little dress and my sandals and man do I wish I could sit outside and eat dinner and sip on a beer. Perhaps I’ll put in a request for some repellant candles (though they don’t seem to work all that well in my experience). Inside is fine too.

Friday (not the 13th)

I’ve had time to continue playing with my new paints. I still need more time. I’m remembering why gouache frustrated me so much previously. I feel as though I can’t wrap my head around how to use it properly. Or… again, I’m too impatient to use them to their fullest effect. It could be the paper, it could be the quality of the paints, it could most likely be me. I just don’t know at this point. It’s admittedly too soon to tell, but I’d like to paint something significant sooner than later.

You can see where it got too wet on two leaves. The binder has lifted and is showing through

Slightly more progress, but at this point I had basically called it quits

Ta-da. “““Done””” 🙄

I used my Fabriano watercolor paper. It usually works really well with my poster colors and I can’t say it was incompatible with this gouache but it didn’t do what I hoped. Then again, I had trouble figuring out the leaves and everything so I fiddled around too much with the surface. I’m going to try something else today and we’ll see how that goes. I still need to make that yellow ochre painting for the individual that voted for it last. I’m trying to encourage myself to utilize colors I don’t often reach for so there may be a purple painting in the near future. I just want this stuff to work, haha. But I imagine it’s more an issue of just being better at painting in general. I have to “git gud” so to speak.

Doing all of this reminded me that I won’t get to paint my captured scenes of social humor/awkwardness as I had imagined several months ago. I know places in New Jersey are opening back up but I can’t take the risk of exposure by carousing with folks this soon. Though sitting outside at a restaurant sounds very nice. I have a huge backlog of photos I wanted to turn into paintings a while back. I thought I’d get to them eventually but the option is now an obligation. I’d do more paintings of myself in my bedroom but my room is still not in shape for that. Hard to photograph when nothing is where it should be and I don’t have those fantastic ambient lamps to provide good lighting. I’m thinking of candids I took of friends years ago. I suppose I’ll start there eventually.

And I miss hiking. I had the chance to do it a few times back in Los Angeles and long ago here in New Jersey but that doesn’t seem like it’ll be possible for a while either. I don’t really know where to look for pretty natural landscapes that are closeby. I know there are plenty, but I’m inept in that department.

Anyway, there’s plenty I can do from home, it’s like it was before except I really wish I could go hang out. Don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone I suppose.

Like who? That sounds like a bad idea on most accounts. Oh, Co-star!

I’ve been curious about how I could meet more folks in this new landscape. Long ago I joined Meetup.com to find cool things to do in Los Angeles with other people but never made the time to attend the events I was interested in. I had kept track of wine tastings, a local sketch group, and a bar hopping shindig. I recently tried searching here in New Jersey but there isn’t much happening where I live even virtually, sadly. I’d love for a virtual sketching group to crop up but all of the art related things are actual classes, not relaxed hangouts. Rhonda keeps suggesting I put myself out there, the easiest way to do that is to participate and show up for activities that I already care about but…. times have changed, haha. I know it’s still possible, but doing it from inside will be a unique challenge. Time and effort will tell.

P.S. I passed out while writing the last paragraph. I’m exhausted today. I continue to wake up suddenly at 6 AM only to fall asleep and wake up in the afternoon. Not great.

2:47 AM

I’ve been writing every day despite not having anything significant to share. I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share the most mundane happenings (and that’s probably all they’ll be for a while) as opposed to keeping them to myself. Perhaps it makes me feel a bit less isolated. And it’s odd being lonely considering I’m back with my family again and interact with them happily and often. But here I go, like usual.

I completed clearing off my bed. And that’s really all I did, I haven’t sorted through the items that were there besides the books. Everything else has just been placed elsewhere in the room. We’re breaking down the bed down today (Thursday) to make way for my Los Angeles bed. I’ve had this thing practically since we moved into this house. I suppose this would be the moment where I expound upon the history and look forward to the catharsis of disposing of it but… nah. There’s a lot of history in this bed but I’m pretty detached from everything that’s happened here. It’s more the room itself that holds a presence over me. I’m grateful I had it but it’s no longer comfortable and it’s frankly a bit worn out. I will own the fact I like the idea of my new bed providing a clean slate. It’s much lower to the floor, there’s no frame, and the mattress is a lot nicer and supportive. Thank you for your service, old bed.

See? I’m talking about throwing out a bed. Ha.

But one last note about this. I was going to return downstairs to the couch to sleep but I’ll stay and sleep in this bed one last time. I’m comfortable now that it’s finally uncluttered and the first night back is usually the best. It’s been hot in Jersey so the single sheet that’s left here seems fine. I’m in bed typing this with the sheet on top of me and it feels sufficient. My hip is stretching nicely which hasn’t been possible on the couch. I have an All Day IPA sitting half-finished next to me that I’ll probably save for tomorrow because my stomach is too empty and I’m too tired to finish it. Didn’t eat that well today for whatever reason so I’m not sure why grabbing a beer seemed like a good idea to me. I have a strong desire for some kind of pasta and potato chips.

Oh, and me not using the paint in thin layers first is a habit I’ll have to break. Too thick too quick.

I’m passing out as I type which I think is a good sign so I’ll take the opportunity and drift off.