There’s been a palpable sense of uncertainty and frustration for everyone lately. Obviously. But if I could turn inward for a moment. I know these posts I write are often dumps of to-do lists all the way to weirdly articulated rants about feelings I don’t like. It’s all “personal”. But I still hold back, and will likely continue holding back somewhat, because there’s no way I can begin to describe how I feel in perfect detail at any given moment. But in this moment I’m thinking a lot about setting expectations, understanding the worth of one’s self, and learning to accept the murky mysterious nature of what is ahead.
I’m in a place in my life where I feel more lucid, cognizant, and sober than I have ever been. That awareness is welcome but it has also enabled me to see that the more I know the more I understand how little I know. It feels overwhelming most of the time. Then I understand why people who seem wise beyond their years are able to take things in stride and roll with the punches. It’s because they have to. There’s only so much control a person has over anything, even their own life. You obtain and hone all the skills and tools you need to make it where you feel you want and need to be just to be faced with a new problem or realization that turns everything on its head. You pursue a passion then realize it’s not the right fit for you. You pursue a person you come to understand is not actually on the same page. Your core beliefs no longer align with the faith you’ve been adhering to for most of your life. You reach the understanding that things are not what you perceived them to be in any capacity. You may be surprised to know that what you want isn’t actually what you need.
And that’s it, really. There’s no answer or foolproof reasoning that can be applied to this overwhelming wave of revelations and truths. However, the peace and ability to take things as they come is cultivated through accepting matters as they are and being able to detach and let go when they shift unpredictably or negatively. I’m someone that gets so potently excited when I think something good is coming my way and my life experience is so limited that my hopes and desires often propagate exponentially. There’s nothing wrong with having high standards and feeling enthusiasm. But! Time and time again I’ve let my expectations run wild and have ended up disappointed. This isn’t a call to lower standards for myself but to reserve my unbridled joy for when a situation reveals its true nature. Romance, friendships, artistic and financial opportunities… anything. I used to think people that could quickly shrug and move on with their day after a recent upset had it all wrong. That they were foolish or unable to comprehend the weight of their circumstances. Now I understand that they are likely fully aware of what’s going on and they know that there’s only so much they can do. I am envious of those sensibilities now. It’d make life so much easier to traverse through. But again, everyone has a different journey.
As with so many things, frustratingly so, it’s easier said than done. I’m still going to get amped over people, things, and happenings and at some point feel the heartbreak of disappointment. I see my friends get hurt and disappointed in their own lives despite knowing that they’re doing their best, doing everything right, and that they deserve good things. Yet the hits keep coming. You’d wonder if it was possible to have a karmic scale that could make everything reach some sort of pleasant equilibrium. Nah. It ain’t in the books. Nature is chaotic. Life is chaos. Life is pain. And this isn’t me being a downer. Anyone who has even cursory knowledge of Buddhism is aware of this and it’s not meant to be an indictment on life itself. But the usual reaction to things falling apart is to feel you or someone else has failed, that this isn’t how it should be, that something is wrong. And while elements of these could certainly be true that’s a harsh view to have when the world around you is unpredictable and out of your hands. Pain is inevitable, but so is pleasure. But the pain that’s felt isn’t a doomsday clock upon your person. It’s part of this life we all live. You cannot have one without the other and it’s important that these aspects of experience be allowed to bloom. If you suppress one for long enough it will come to impact the other. And to speak qualitatively… that’s usually not good.
I’m still figuring that out for myself.
As to not get too existential (too late) and spacy I’ll stop here. So many other people and texts have described this in a more articulated and intelligent manner but these are my ponderings. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately in regards to myself and the people I care about.