New Moon and Managing

There’s a new moon afoot. That’s what my astrology apps tell me. And with a new moon comes opportunities for change and vulnerability. Co-star told me I’d be powerless and confused, but just for today. Cool, cool, cool. That’s nothing new, amirite? * badum-tiss *

I was admittedly pretty perky yesterday. All that pink power and riding the high of affection from my friends. Today I don’t feel awful, but I don’t feel great. I feel physically weak, and generally just grimy and in need of a shower. I’m trying to relax but there really isn’t anything else for me to do besides hangout and wait until the weekend. It’s pretty warm today, or I am at least. Hip aches, like usual.

I also broke my one and only wine glass I had for the entirety of my stay in Los Angeles. It was a purchase from a dollar store when I randomly decided to hang out around Marina Del Rey. I bought it about a month after moving out here in 2018. For some reason when I put on my headphones it’s like I suddenly can’t see as well either. I’d say that’s probably more to do with spatial awareness and not being able to gauge what I’m doing when I can’t hear the same way. Regardless, my foot knocked into it while I had my headphones on, and it tipped over and shattered. It’s kind of amazing it didn’t break sooner. It’s sad, I get pretty sentimental about objects, but it is what it is. Fancy glass or random cheap purchase aside. I suppose I’m going to be clumsy while the moon is encased in darkness. Maybe that’s what Co-star is implying.

I have a bunch of different cravings at once. Chocolate is the most prominent today. I want cookies, cakes, more Cheez-Its, and suddenly also Korean food. Cold noodle has invaded my mind space and I want that along with hot dumplings. Just…. mmmph.

I wish I had a reason for why this is all impacting me so much right now. I wish I could attribute it to my period but that’s not for another couple of weeks. Just one of those days~

Maybe I’ll start drinking out of an empty, clean candle jar so I can feel fancy and sophisticated.

And if I have to sit around until Saturday I should probably take reading those books on love and doing that workbook seriously. At least get started. The apps seem to be reinforcing that now is a powerful time for romance, sex, and establishing a healthy relationship with a strong, supportive partner. Ha. Aight. I’m not sure the world agrees but that’s certainly something to aspire to.

Oh, but I did watch the animation tutorial and produce a simple blinking eye. I found a more condensed refresher video for Delaney and I to use so I’m going to practice what I learned in that today as well. But I also want to just rest. It’s like a ping pong. I wanna eat! I wanna draw! I wanna shower! I wanna sleep! Can only do one of those things at a time, though.

Anyway. Maybe my night will be manic and chaotic since I’m so lethargic right now.

Pigments and Proclivities

Alas, this entry was going to start off differently, but give me a moment to grieve a first world problem.

My Switch flew out of my hands a few minutes ago and smacked into my laptop, flopping all over and landing on its screen face. The Macbook is unscathed and fine. The Switch now has a very small chip on the back plastic casing and both Joy Cons are scuffed, the left blue one having jagged scratches on the shoulder buttons so I feel them everytime I pick up the console. And.. there are small scratches on the bottom of the screen… I am pretty upset about it, haha. I’m also seeing the left controller has drift now too, which makes playing anything pretty difficult. I’m going to leave it in its dock for the remainder of my time in LA and only play through the tv. Ugh.

Now with that aside…

I received TWO amazing surprises yesterday. The first being my darling Nicolette sending me the sweetest message checking in on me and my art (how’d she know I was thinking about her?!). And the second being my lovely Kevin randomly facetiming me mere minutes after I received Nicolette’s messages (how’d he know I was thinking about him?!). The funny coincidence is that they both happen to be extremely talented music people that I met at the Chautauqua residency I attended. I suppose they have so much love in their hearts that they knew I needed a little extra oomph to help get me through this move and this return to limbo. Is this Venus’ retrograde being benevolent and returning people I still love and wish to hear from to me? If so, keep regressing! (It was hinted to me by Kevin that Dudley may be reaching out soon, hooray!)

Last night I watched Mononoke and it was… interesting! It was indeed layered and quirky with its visuals. I was expecting something like Mushishi since it deals with spirits but where Mushishi is a bit quiet and somber in its approach, Mononoke is bombastic and more unsettling. Gentle versus aggressive. Apparently Mononoke is considered a hidden gem amongst the anime watching community so I’ll do my best to finish it soon.

Afterwards I mixed more Dianthus Pink while listening to some incredible music. Seriously. I know I’ve been casually sharing things I like, including ambient zone out stuff but this… this was different. But alas, onto some nerdy paint stuff in 3, 2, 1:

You think I have enough? 🤔

I recently came to understand that the numbers on the back of paint tubes are actually universal abbreviations of pigments. I probably discussed this previously but here I go again. I then found an amazing website database that chronicles all the various names and chemical makeups of said pigments. It’s kind of changed the paint mixing game for me. I was making educated guesses before and they wouldn’t always work out. And something I realized is that I’ve been using the wrong pink/red to make my bulk Dianthus Pink. To mimic Williamsburg’s warm yet yellow free pink I needed to use a PW6 (Titanium white) and PV19 (Quinacridone). I was under the impression that the quinacridone fushia I was using as my pink base was mostly suitable, and it was, but when I looked at the pigment classification it actually said PR122. Whoops! The tube of permanent rose I own is actually the correct pigment I needed all along. I used a small amount of it during my initial mixing sessions since I needed to warm up the batch but now I know it’s all I needed the entire time. Told you this would be nerdy, I’m legitimately excited about this. :)

Here is the site: http://old.artiscreation.com/Color_index_names.html

Check out those digits 🔠🔢

I realize it’s a bit silly to continue mixing large amounts of paint when I won’t really be able to use most of it for the time I have left in LA but I like to fantasize about the work I’ll make at home. Plus, it’s meditative for me. Unfortunately it requires using up materials and oil paint is expensive so I should be a little more conservative about how much mixing I do.

And now for even more music! Except this is the absolute banger I came across last night. It’s specifically described as an OST for a game that does not exist. Siiiiiiiiiick!

If you listen to anything I put up definitely listen to this. It’s not just save room music, it’s exciting, rich, and textured. Fantastic working music, probably why I ended up making so much Dianthus last night.

Homework and Venus?

I should be receiving my moving boxes and aqua brushes today and I’m pretty excited about that. Mainly excited about the aqua brushes.. but I do have some enthusiasm for the boxes because it’s a relief to get started on the daunting process of packing and moving. 📦

Realizations regarding productivity:

• I feel better when I have something to do. Sometimes the more the better, shockingly. I was under the impression that being at complete peace (aka bored out of my mind) was the ideal space to be in order to be productive. I thought I could only have one thing booked at a time and that any amount of extensive work would be too stressful. Turns out that was stupid and wrong. Bad Nef!

• I can have a clean and functional workspace that blends with the rest of my living space. That’s probably one of the most important things I learned from having make my bedroom my studio. I was under the impression I needed unappealing utilitarian furniture to house my supplies and that messy = better art. Well, that was completely wrong. It’s not too terrible keeping things clean and separated either. I’ll be able to clean up the studio back home in New Jersey so it’ll be nicer to work in and not an eyesore (sorry, family!)

Other stuff I’m doing today? Looking over an older Photoshop animation tutorial I sent to Delaney by Alex Grigg. It’s apparently still OG and the best out there since it’s still being referenced in other video tutorials that are more recent. Glad I came across it so long ago! I’m attempting to find free assignments and courses we can follow which isn’t proving to be easy. Animating in Photoshop is not uncommon but it’s not an intuitive animation tool so it feels very open source when trying to find resources for it. I’m sure I’ll prove myself wrong the longer I research, though (and I hope I do). Glad I got a sweet homie to take the dive with me, though. It’ll be a great thing to do during the summer. That’s our extended homework before she starts back up with school in the fall. I suppose a more entertaining aspect of this prolonged homework would be looking at animation that resonates with me most so I can have inspiration and guidelines for what I’d like to make.

More tidbits. Nikki told us that Venus is in retrograde apparently. 😱🌘Gasp! Is it funny that actually makes me kind of nervous even though I try very hard not to take astrology too, too seriously (obviously something I enjoy and care about though, alas)? Haha. From what I understand, Venus dictates love, art, and money, and if it’s in retrograde that means it’s going backwards or regressing. Even though that can jack a lot of stuff up it’s supposed to be a time to be introspective and process some unresolved issues of the past. The fear and potential issue is that some of those old problems may rear their head in the present. Yikes! I think I’m pretty safe from that but I’ll try to make this moment in time less painful by thoughtfully analyze those aspects of my life that Venus dictates. What happened in the past that hurt, what worked, and what do I actually want in the future? While I think about those things all the time I can’t help but feel obliged to be smarter about it if the stars are in charge right now. 🌟😉 When I spoke to Rhonda yesterday she suggested I revisit If The Buddha Dated to address my concerns about love and producing a successful relationship in the future and I think that’s a great idea. I forgot I had the book since my library was stuck in my overstuffed closet the past couple of months.

I may attempt a creamy salmon pasta casserole today too.. we’ll see how that goes (if it goes at all).

P.S.

Youtube is popping off again and providing some really interesting and lovely music. This popped up in my feed today:

This is apparently from the 70s despite being published in 2006. This woman’s story is fascinating from the brief bit I gleaned in the comments. Its brevity and lo-fi intimacy reminds me of Karen O’s Crush Songs. Maybe I’ll talk about that in the future. This song expresses something I hope to feel in the future, since I’m sitting here talking about love and whatnot.

Onto the next

Whew, finished Robot Carnival. I think I took finishing it too seriously, I wanted to go to bed after about 30 more minutes since it’s late (3:34 AM as of me writing this). I stopped before a particularly sad story the other night. I’ll do my best not to spoil anything here but I am inclined to share the music from that particular part. If you don’t want to spoil the music for yourself until you actually watch the film/segment that it’s from then please feel free to ignore the video below.

Composed by the all-star himself, Joe Hisashi! He’s responsible for many of the incredible soundtracks you’ve heard from Studio Ghibli films, I thought this felt familiar. A lot of the music in Robot Carnival had this interesting recognizability within it.

I’m glad I finished it. It probably would have been more fun if I wasn’t so tired, maybe should have treated each segment as episodes I could watch at different times but… oh well.

I miss hand drawn animation like this. With the painted cels and such. They don’t make the paint for that anymore so these really do seem like precious artifacts now. This anthology had a lot of visual quirks from the traditional process in it. Paint falling slightly outside of the lines and visible grain on the separate cels. Love seeing that stuff. Really dense and visually bombastic but a little rough around the edges in a good way.

I plan on watching Mononoke next. No, not Princess Mononoke. This one appears to be a short series with some really yummy looking art direction. Very different but it reminds me of Gankutsuou which utilized a lot of stunning art nouveau influence and intricate collaging/layering effects. Not sure if this show will have all those same things but they made me think of one another, we’ll see.

Now I’m playing one of the albums from a random Japanese composer that came up in my youtube algorithm in an effort to relax and fall asleep. It doesn’t usually work for me if the music is compelling and nice enough to listen to. But I’ll also share it, reminds me of a lot of great video game and anime music I admire. When I say that I mean the particular flavor this music imparts.

It’s really pretty and soothing. Oh, and speaking of flavor and wet lands… I’m realizing the roasted mate I bought reminds me a lot of coffee. It’s obviously different, but if you were looking for a substitute that matched the richness in flavor and toasty, roasty-ness… I think it does a great job offering something in the same vein while still being unique. I’ve tried dandelion tea, Pero, Teecino… and while I enjoy those things this seems to really come close to the depth of flavor coffee has that those don’t quite reach.

Anyway, I was happily sipping on it during the movie and I probably shouldn’t have. I imagine some of the caffeine gets cooked out of it when it’s roasted but despite how tired I am… I’m not able to fall asleep. I’m instead occupied thinking about all the things I want to do but am physically too tired to accomplish at this moment. I had a list of chores in my head for the morning but it’s difficult to remember what all of that was. Really wish I knew how to meditate at all so I could quiet my mind and doze off.

05/17/2020

Found out I actually can cast RetroCrush to my tv and I’m not sure why I thought I couldn’t. My TV has now moved into my bedroom since my roommate acquired one of her own in anticipation of my leaving. While it’s nice to be able to watch it whenever I want I don’t really like having it in here as much as I thought. It was nice having it be separate. There’s just something it does, like casting a small cloud of murkiness over me. That’s something I’ll have to consider when I move back home. But I’m also realizing my body and mind still has a compartment for studio and work that’s still whirring around despite me lounging around… I’m moving soon and the semester is over, I don’t need to use this room to work anymore. I still want to, is the problem.

However, I did work today. The Drawing Party met up on zoom again and it was great, like always. Got to hear some juicy tales from the 80s from my professors and actually do some kind of art even though it was just tiny little composition sketches. I tried to make myself doodle and it’s very hard. I keep wanting to make a recognizable scene so everything ends up kind of flat and disjointed. I love those sprawling drawings of abstracted shapes and patterns but my brain isn’t exactly wired to do that.

The bits and bobs from today’s sesh

I broke out my Fude brush pen for the first time in a while and it’s a real dream to use. I can’t quite focus enough to make anything that looks nice with it but it feels really good to use and I just enjoyed making marks with it. But it inspired me to get brush pens with empty reservoirs so I can fill them with different colored ink. The brush shape would be great for foliage and I have a gift to make before I leave Los Angeles.

I didn’t have much of an appetite today. I’m hesitant to burn through my pasta which is all I want. But I did try out another new mate today. This one is roasted. It’s delicious… but…. it’s a bit too potent for me to drink easily. I barely touched it today. It magically tastes like chocolate, I don’t know how. But not chocolate like a candy bar, but cocoa. It seems to have the flavor profile of really nice, high percentage chocolate. But that makes it a bit sharp, bitter, and somehow heavy. Drinking that is kind of a weird sensation. So, to remedy this I think I’ll definitely mix this one with milk and a sweetener. I’m curious to try lining the bottom of the gourd with condensed milk then filling it with the leaves. I’d hope the sugar could cut through that raw intensity.

Still covered in the sweat from yesterday’s dancing, which has obviously dried onto me. I smell and my hair has returned to its uncooperative state. I’m going to force myself to eat something then hop in the shower. And I’m also going to buckle up and finish Robot Carnival. Now that I know I can cast to the television it might be more of a treat than something that saddens me tonight.

Hey, hey, dance the [negative emotion] away

I made myself sad last night watching Robot Carnival of all things. It’s another really cool animated anthology I found on RetroCrush that I somehow never heard of. I’m only halfway through it but one of the stories I saw featured a girl reeling from heartbreak over a two-timing boy. Things end up not so bad for her but I immediately recoiled and bristled at the content. I can’t really sit comfortably with things having to do with love and romance anymore. I know that’s pathetic. I was able to to sit through it, probably because it was so short and the animation was pretty, but it was surprising how deflated I became

Anyway.

While I ended last night on a despondent note, and had a subsequent bad afternoon, I had a great night. Nikki sent me a link to a virtual dance party with House of Yes. A popular and iconic Brooklyn nightclub. I had gone dancing there once about three years ago for disco night. I danced so hard I broke my platform shoes I had thrifted earlier that day. I wore this tight, silver, glittery dress with a circle cut out on the cleavage and it had long sleeves. That was also when I had a full head of long blue hair. I was single, enjoying my independence, and generally taking it easy. Seems like another life.

Tonight, however, about a hundred of us in a zoom call danced in our respective homes. I danced enough to be featured briefly in their spotlight and then I got brought into the “hot tub room”. Before you get concerned it was not seedy or gross. Captain Ben ran the room and the hot tub was a plastic gallon bucket with a bottle of Clorox inside of it and a candle that he kept in the background. Clean and warm! It was a zoom call room separate from the “dance floor” where we could break the ice with a small rotation of people and chat. I find that a lot more appealing than a real club (we could actually hear each other) so it was really nice. I didn’t realize how much I missed running into pleasant new folk. It reminds me that I’m likable and that, somehow, people want to talk to me. We stayed there talking for a while then we re-entered the dance floor for the final set of songs. There were about six of us in the room consistently and they were all lovely.

I felt great! I was wearing was my Monster Hunter tee and some Adidas shorts with some retro-blocky shades I bought on a whim. I looked entirely plain outside of the shades, but I felt wonderful being able to dance with a bunch of people from the comfort of my bedroom. One dude from the larger hundred person dance call even slid into my private messages, that hasn’t happened in a very long time, but I gently ignored him since that’s not what this dance party is about. He said I looked dope (and then continued to tell me how good I looked… uhhhh), which is generous, but I thought it was sort of nice(?) even though I was very hesitant to respond (and I ultimately didn’t). Thanks though, dude! One of the ladies in the hot tub room who had energy to keep dancing during most of the convo and had great makeup also sent me a message to tell me I had a beautiful smile. I did respond to her. I had to do all I could to not melt into a blushy puddle in front of a bunch of strangers. Thank you, Alice! I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I wasn’t expecting to get hit on or complimented! What a zesty evening.

I also worked up a sweat, which I haven’t done in a while.

I’m not sure I feel like returning to Robot Carnival tonight. There’s something about it that’s bittersweet. I usually love those things but it seems I was in the wrong headspace to enjoy it properly. I want to go to bed with the bit of positive energy that remains from earlier. I should probably shower off the sweat but I’m tired.

Second rush

I think I’ve had a good amount of time to just sit so Friday is going to be a thinking day. Don’t want my brain getting too smooth. But before I get into that:

That little notebook contains the haphazard math I do for the monthly bills and other quantitative notes (haphazardly written, I should say. It’s pretty straight forward). It’s the last time I have to do this until I live on my own again. Wow.

People already know I’m obsessed with this stuff. But I’ve been hyperfocusing on the details of the small pleasures in my life and trying to refine them. I recently started grating lemon into my mate before I shake it and then a little more directly on top. It’s so lovely. The slight tang kind of smooths out the grassy, bitterness of the leaves and the oils from the lemon skin impart a delightful and subtle citrus flavor. Also, the lemon is frozen whole. That trick I picked up has since proven to be something I love. I grate the whole lemon, skin, pith, flesh, all of it. Seeds too! I’ve been dousing my food in frozen, particlized lemon flesh and mmmmph. Whatever freezing does to the fruit makes it so those things are inoffensive. rather, grating it into small bits while it’s frozen kind of makes the whole thing level out so using the whole lemon actually works. I’m realizing I can talk a lot about this stuff, geez. Anyway! I really like this and it’s a new way to enjoy my mate. I think I’ll try an orange or mandarin next.

Now for business. My next tasks are to arrange for U-Haul to come by with their U-Boxes and pack my things away. From what I can tell, I’ll need two or three of them. My bedroom seems pretty full but based on the video they showcased I probably don’t have nearly as much stuff as I think. The next obstacle is the studio, however. There isn’t much left over there but the items are clunky. I have extremely large canvases that aren’t collapsible and are larger than the dimensions of the box. I can place them in there diagonally but I also have my husky tool cart which is about four feet long, so the canvases may have to go in by themselves. Perks? I can ask for more boxes than I think I might need and they’ll take back any I don’t use free of charge. Biggest concern? Making space for these folks to drop off the boxes and figuring out if they can make a second trip to the studios. My street is extremely small. It’s one of those deals where tons of people park on the street and essentially turned a two lane road into one where only one car can pass through at a time. I can’t have them put the boxes in the driveway since people need to be able to leave the garage. I’ll have to street park potentially to allow them access but… I’m awful at that and most folks have been staying at home. My hope is that we can use the driveway and they’ll be able to pack those boxes quickly enough that it won’t be a problem. I have to make the call and find out, though. I know I don’t like moving! That much is clear. During all of this I suddenly want to stretch a new canvas which is ludicrous, I gotta leave in two weeks. Don’t be silly.

Back to nice stuff. I tried the curly girl method. My hair feels great and looks completely different than it has in the past several months. I’m not sure if I’m actually observing my natural curl pattern emerge but I’m super pleased with it. It looks healthy and for once, for once, it’s not frizzy. My scalp also feels better than it has in a while, no dandruff or itchiness, and this is only my second wash. It did take an entire night for it to dry out but I don’t own a hairdryer and I’m fine with sleeping with wet hair. I was hesitant to even acknowledge this method because taking care of my hair is one the bigger annoyances in my life. I have nice hair which is relatively easy to care for but I spend a lot of time addressing my skin in the shower. Having to do complicated stuff with my hair sounded tiring, but it really wasn’t that difficult and seeing the payoff made it more than worth it. It’s another day where I feel kind of pretty and I’m not even wearing any makeup or flattering clothing! Cool stuff.

And back to business… I figured out what I’ll teach myself and if anyone pays attention to the other parts of this website they may be able to guess what. I’m hesitant to talk about what it is because that seems to be a guaranteed way for me to magically not follow through. Doesn’t apply to mandatory stuff. But extras that I need motivation to do? Absolutely. I wish it were different. And the first tangible thing I’ll try to accomplish for the moving is ordering packing supplies. I think I’ll start with my closet since most of that stuff has remained untouched for over a month… makes me realize I have way more clothing than I need, ha. I’ll miss having a walk in closet, though.

Wondering if we’re doing book club today? Gotta read if so!

Late night goodness

Living my best life in AC:NH. A girl can dream.

I’ve named them Johnathon Snapewlski Williams aka Johnny Snaps 💚🐢💚

Easing in

I’ve had a couple of days to be a completely useless slug of a human being. While that will continue to be the case in some capacity I’ve started thinking about what will happen in this post graduate life. That’s already been on my mind, but now it’s real. And, although it was already vague, now I’m even more uncertain in the wake of this pandemic. But, since I usually tell all on this intimate, wordy section of my site, I’ll expand on that.

My vision of what would come after school was nebulous at best. I have pretty full fledged fantasty of what I want but that’s very different from what I can realistically accomplish, even in a few years. I knew I’d return home to New Jersey at the very least. And while that used to be a strong desire in the beginning, after moving to this new apartment in Culver City my mind started to change and the thought of having to leave was incredibly saddening. However, now that exploring the city is no longer an option I’m finding that leaving stings ever so slightly less than it used to. Still pretty upset I can’t properly say goodbye to all the friends I made over here, but we have technology to keep us together. It’s gonna be okay. (Also, tangent: I’ve seen a curious number of people I know somehow enter relationships in the past three weeks. Is it because talking through a screen is the only option so more people are taking the romantic dive? Either way, good for y’all!)

This was the original plan:

1. Return home to New Jersey

2. Keep making artwork

   1. Hopefully somehow sell that artwork to whomever wants it

3. Find work that would allow me to keep making art while paying off my debt

   1. Something part time and unobtrusive? I realize that’s a pipe dream, especially for a person who’s never worked before

4. And go from there? I’d say the cliched answer of “Profit” but there will be no profiting for a long time

Updated plan:

1. Return home to New Jersey

2. Keep making artwork

3. Behave as though I’m still in school and find something new to learn and commit to it fully

4. …..uh

Check back in maybe a year from now and hopefully the situation and the plan will be different.

Also, I found out they attempted to deliver my graduation gown today and since they couldn’t reach me (???) they’ve instead dropped it off at a pick up location. Oops. I’m not exactly keen on going anywhere that isn’t essential so I guess I’m not going to have graduation pictures. 🤷🏽‍♀️My bad.

Other things I’m going to look into and attempt:

1. A dedicated curly hair routine since my hair feels and looks horrible

2. Freezing a lemon whole and grating it into my food (so far so good)

3. Perhaps watching at least one movie a week so I can up my culture points

4. Start that new learning thing sooner than later

   1. I can practice something I didn’t have time for during the semester

I also mixed the original bag of mate I bought with the new one. That seemed to balance things out a little since the new bag seems a bit potent. Plus, my bombilla clogs up easily with its finer consistency. I’m going to avoid the valerian root tea since it really didn’t help at all last night.

I finally changed the sheets on my bed, by the way. I decided to switch where I put my head down too. It felt pretty spicy last night facing the other end of the bed. You see what excites me these days.

I'm a graduate?

As of yesterday, May 10th, 2020… Mother’s Day, I have also officially graduated from Otis College of Art and Design. I legitimately forgot commencement was originally scheduled for yesterday, but in lieu of a tangible graduation the school set up a commencement website for us. I didn’t realize it until I saw the email. I was even sent my Studio Distinction award via email. I was sitting there thinking it was only Mother’s Day. We all got together on zoom, faculty and students, and had celebratory drinks and a lovely time. I called my parents, talked to my mama, and gave them good the news. My mother’s gift should be arriving on Thursday, some luxurious skincare and a pretty red lipstick.

The beauty herself! I love you, mom! 💖

😍☺️💗

It’s a bit amusing how incredibly proud I am of this. Might not be a big deal for others but I was gunning for this, forgot about it, but was awarded with it still. Thank you ppl, made my day <3

And I’m not upset that this was a stay at home venture. After all the rushing around to finish things up the only thing I want to do is hangout and rest. It’s been a rough two years. And I say rough but it’s also been great. I won’t get into every reason why I came out here, most of my good friends know why, but I think I more than accomplished what I set out to do and a lot of that went beyond getting my Masters. I couldn’t have done any of it without the support and love I receive from so many people, good friends, most of all my family. But the folks right alongside me in LA were incredible beacons of hope and were there for me in ways I’ll always be grateful for. They’ve seen a very messy, panicky, and sad Nef. There were days I actually had to be swept up and taken home with them because I couldn’t be left alone. Yikes! As of today I’m grateful I feel a little and a lot better than that (which is also due to several important life changes). I’ve said it before but I didn’t really feel completely lucid and cognizant until I turned 25, which is a bit scary to think about in regards to everything that happened in those previous years. I’m just now piecing together who I am, realizing I’m not what I imagined myself to be, and reassessing who I ultimately want to become. And I think I’ve been making active steps in caring for myself that will help me get there. Anyway, as a fun treat for anyone who stops by and made it through this post, I’ll provide some throwback content.

Here’s a link: Photo of a photo of me in junior(?) year of high school.

Me during a photoshoot for my undergrad thesis exhibition: Feast or Famine. This was 2016. I miss that hair.

No current photos of me because that’s boring and I look like I pretty much always have but with worse hair.🤷🏽‍♀️

Maybe if my graduation gowns come in I could take a staged graduation photo but for now… that’s it! Also, if anyone plays Animal Crossing on Switch shoot me an email (or a text if you know me) and let’s be frenz. It’s all I’ll be doing for the next while. :^)

Bliss

I know this is an extravagant post but I’m taking my victory lap and I’m going to take my sweet time with it. I chose Animal Crossing to play and 💖💖💖. I’ve been an AC fan most of my life but they added so many new features and gameplay elements that are wonderful. It’s one of the few things that can really bring me to a place of calm and focus, strange why I stopped playing for a few years. It may have helped me during my less pleasant times. But hey, I’m playing it now and I love it. I’m also very glad I showed restraint and didn’t pick it up until after all of thesis was done. I considered popping it open a couple of weeks ago but I legitimately believe it would have made me self-sabotage my progress. I clocked in literal years of time into these games so it’s best to be careful. Now it’s time to find my friends and start swapping items and leaving cute messages!☺️
A huge addition to my victory lap is having ordered several donuts.
*Update: I may have over indulged in the sugar and now feel really gross and sluggish. Whoops!

There was a deal for half a dozen donuts along with a giant breakfast sandwich and an almond milk latte. I ordered six more donuts and a bagel in addition to that, though. I’m not messing around 😤🤘🏽

Hard to tell from this photo but the breakfast sandwich is gigantic. It’s also delicious and reminds me of ones I used to eat back in Jersey but even better. The bagel was an everything bagel and it’s fantastic, haven’t had one as good as that in a while. Thank you, Donut King!!! 🍩

I took maybe four sips of the almond milk latte… it tastes great but even that small amount is having an effect. I feel that specific buzzing when having had caffeine and it’s making me want to lie down until it goes away. I’m wondering when this sensitivity developed because I feel as though it wasn’t always like this. I’ll finish it slowly throughout the day since it’s yummy and came courtesy with my order but it’s a bummer. But alas, I love maté now so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on much. I like that maté really feels like my “true” morning drink that’s special to me. Special in that I managed to explore it on my own and actually ended up enjoying it consistently.
So, donuts and decadent breakfast food will be my three square meals for the day. No complaints here. And of course Animal Crossing throughout. Yay🥰

Freedom!

So, I realize this doesn’t warrant a separate post, but I finally finished writing my thesis! The paper is done! It’s always an amusing dynamic because I dread having to sit down and write but after a few hours I start to get in the zone and pick up on a groove. Then I realize the page limit is being reached and I have to stop. Plus, it can constantly be improved upon, might as well write a new paper after that point. I sent it to Ben and let the shaking in my fingers quiet down. Now I can finally play video games and actually pay full attention to the things I’m watching and doing instead of having the nagging of unfinished work haunting me! And now I’m at a loss of what to do now!

I ordered victory food. Really delicious vegan lasagna and cauliflower wings. I cracked open a Golden Road Mango Cart, refilled my mate gourd, and life is good. I almost forgot that I accomplished some other vital tasks earlier today too.

I ventured outside to the bank to withdraw a cashier’s check one last time. I had a mask and gloves on along with my Carhartt hat, but I made the misstep of wearing a sweater. I did it to cover up my crop top and midriff showing. It’s nice and hot here in Los Angeles so I was soaked with sweat upon reaching the bank. I also stopped by the pharmacy and somehow managed to sweat even more. That doesn’t feel great when wearing gloves and having something covering your mouth and nose but there are people that have to do this every day amongst hordes of other folks. Me going to the bank and the pharmacy and getting a little sweaty is not a big deal. And? I got to feel the sun for the first time in a while. I suppose it’s time to break out the shorts, but I wear shorts all the time inside. I haven’t worn denim for over a month since I haven’t needed to put on anything durable.

Anyway. Paper is done and I have a number of things I can play. I have two AC’s. Animal Crossing and Astral Chain. There’s also FFVII Remake and maybe even DMCV. I might put Senua’s Sacrifice on hold since I’m currently in a good mood and the last place I saved was a bit of a difficult puzzle/maze.

Know what’s even stranger? I’m thinking about the next painting I want to make already. I don’t like the idea of stretching canvas again but I’m legitimately surprised I have the zeal to keep going after thesis. I usually take a while off. But this won’t be my room much longer so I welcome the urge. Plus, I have to complete a yellow ochre piece for the kind soul who voted on that poll, at the very least.

For now, I’m going to wash my face, do a chemical peel, light a candle, and pick what I’d like play while I finish my beer.

Nighttime ambience. Something I have yet to achieve in my room back in Bordentown. I’ll miss my cool LA den.

Glutton

Well, she is here. And by she I mean my very prominent period. I am so grateful the timing worked out so that it came after thesis finished up. I may not have been able to finish or complete it the way I wanted to otherwise. I fell back asleep for about four more hours after getting up this morning, and that’s almost always a consequence of my cycle. I kind of needed it though.

I still need to finish the paper. Going to work on that for the rest of the day while I’m incapacitated in bed. The thought of doing yoga and some pilates sounds nice but I’m not sure how well I’d handle it right now. It’s always at its worse the first couple of days.

I also made the mistake(?) of doing some further reading on mate and discovering, like your usual coffees and teas, that there are a bunch of different varieties and techniques in which people prepare it. I figured as much but I tend to do deep dives on these things and get strongly invested…. And of course I want to try them all. The one I bought is apparently a good starter mate, but I found out there’s something called erva mate, which appears to be more powder like, similar to matcha. Some are really green and herbal while others are rich and malty. I wanna know what they’re all like! I may purchase one more bag before I return to New Jersey.

Oh, and about two days ago I bought five different pints of artisan gourmet ice cream. My teeth are quite sensitive to the cold so it’s hard for me to eat ice cream but it was so worth it. I have enough ice cream to last me the entire month. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had it for a couple of meals, which I’ve never done before! I seem to have developed a sweet tooth in the last month. I almost always lean savory but I’ve been enjoying japanese soda candy, sweet instant oatmeal, lots of sugar in the coffee I used to drink, strawberry milk, and now a bunch of ice cream. I’m suddenly craving donuts too, but that might be my cycle talking.

Oh, and last night I ate some fancy Fiscalini cheddar and “Midnight Moon” goat cheese in honor of the lovely, voluptuous moon that came out last night. I only had a small bit of wine while I nibbled. They both had those wonderfully crunchy crystals of salt embedded in them. I could probably eat several slabs and have a wicked stomach ache afterwards but it’d be worth it. Thankfully, or unfortunately, they come in limited amounts and aren’t cheap. I get it. LIkely for the best and it is delicious.

Whew

Wow, so I completed my thesis exhibition. When I was on the other side of completion it felt so daunting and that it was all going to fall apart. Thankfully, it didn’t. I’m relieved and I’m happy people took the time to look and talk about it. Yes, I know critique is a class and they have to, but I’m grateful I have thoughtful and supportive classmates and teachers. Yesterday was magical even though I was very much exhausted.

But….

“It’s not over yet, Snake!” - Liquid

I still need to finish writing the pesky thesis. Whoops! Sorry, Ben! Once I do that I’ll finally be free. Then I can inundate my senses with video games and plow through this apartment with a good and proper cleaning.

Simple pleasures post thesis:

1. Strawberry milk 🍓🥛

2. Hearty junk food 🍔🍟

3. Real sleep 🛌

Me trying to pretend I’m living in an aesthetically pleasing shoujo anime world while I eat junk food and filling up empty containers with bootleg product.

Is it bad I want to try coffee again despite it going badly last time? Maybe if I use the Starbucks grounds I won’t get jacked up (probably no logic in that statement but I really wish I could have some). Then again, it’s probably too soon to try since the last attempt. I also still have lingering weirdness from pulling an all nighter for thesis and need to actually sleep when it washes over me. I have no idea how I was able to consistently do that before. I still stay up late but not like that. It takes me so much longer to bounce back. Either way, I really have been enjoying strawberry milk so perhaps it could replace the caffeine craving, I could probably write a whole post on that alone. It’s pretty, it’s refreshing, reminds me of simpler times… ha.

For now, I’ll provide a link to my thesis images in this post as well as on the Welcome splash page. In the future I’ll take more installation shots and also have a slower paced video. And I almost forgot I still have my lovely mate to enjoy. I was pushing three cups leading up to thesis so now I can take it back to one now that the caffeine isn’t essential. Now I’m wondering what I could have for dinner… and how I go about finishing that thesis… ffffff. I was hoping to write a more thoughtful reflection on what happened yesterday but I’m still so tired, haha. I’ve spent most of today sleeping and eating, I’ll probably do that tomorrow too. But I can’t let myself play video games until my homework is done and that’s the most prominent thing on my mind right now. That and dinner. Guess I will make a cup of mate to help me. I wonder if I could finish tonight?

Don’t tell Ben but I’m thinking of finishing this paper and then sending him a completely different, hopefully superior one a little later. 👀

My Macbook’s storage filled up yesterday and I had to clear out a bunch of old documents and apps I haven’t looked at in years. I’ve also figured out that my phone and computer syncing with each other has made it so photos take up most of the space on this drive. I’ll have to do some spring cleaning there too. There’s plenty of things I don’t look at anymore but still hold onto even though they just take up space. I fantasize about it being magically taken care of for me while the things of worth are salvaged but that’s not how these things work. I’ll get to it eventually. It’d be really cool if I could invest in a good external drive but that seems like something I can wait on.

I also desperately need a shower and to wash my gross, sweaty sheets. They’ve reached the point of being a little too… off. I’m sure the breakouts on my already sensitive back are not a coincidence. Especially since it’s been so warm lately. Because that’s totally something people want to read and know about. 💁🏽‍♀️

Thesis images PDF

Good morning and welcome

Today is the day, friends. Below is a message to warm you up or cool you down as you look at my room.

안녕하세요.  내 침실에 온 걸 환영 해 

 내가 잠 들어 깨어 났을 

때 가장 먼저 생각하는 것은

 …

 "왜 방금 나에게 말을 못했는지?"

  나는 진실의 가치가 있는가?  

나는 기쁨의 가치가 있습니까? 

 왜 항상 다른 사람에게 붙어 있습니까?  

외부로?  어떻게 가져 오나요? 

 어떻게 퍼 뜨리나요?  

나는 그것을 넣을 수 없습니다. 

그러나 여기에 당신을 허락 할 것입니다. 

 언제나 그렇듯이 감사합니다

그냥 머리 위로, 이것은 나쁜 번역입니다. 행운을 빕니다. ❤

I will provide the PDF of my work my classmates have access to at a later moment.

And here is my press release:

Numb//Tender

Nefertiti Jenkins is bringing you into her bedroom (sort of… as close as one can get, at least). 

Jenkins’ paintings and drawings utilize motifs and spaces intimate and personal to her practice and life. This includes using the body as a visual modality for the landscape with rugs, mugs, and lamps decorating the periphery, and flowers peeking into the frame. Figures blends into the background and objects overlap, one intertwining with the other. Perspectives shift, becoming closed-in and pushed forward, confrontational but unaggressive. The mundane becomes sacred and panoptic with ballooning limbs, sinuous hair, and glittering objects floating outward while beckoning the viewer inward. 

Colors spread across a jewel-like spectrum overlaid with a soft glow lense, akin to stage lighting or the ambient glow of a candle. The artworks have now coalesced into one space, having been relegated to the bedroom. Paintings and drawings will be displayed salon style throughout Jenkins’ bedroom. The art will coexist and mirror the origins of their ornaments: a cluttered desk, patterned rug, a lived in beanbag chair, crystal lined lamps, and a quilt covered, empty bed. 

I am too tired to take in what today means right now. I am sure it will hit me later. But to anyone who kept along for the ride, thank you. Still more to come. 💕

Perhaps no more crank juice for me

I had a stress dream last night. Although I love hearing about dreams people have I know when I share mine people tend to get annoyed or their eyes gloss over. So, I won’t go into too much detail. But whenever I dream about high school or old fights incorporated into a high school environment that’s usually an indicator that I’m having a dream related to intense stress. I try to forget about high school since I was a completely different person back then and I associate a lot of upsetting memories with that time. When I dream about it now my brain seems to incorporate more recent upsetting memories and create an amalgamation of monstrous events. Cool. I know it’s my brain processing through the junk but I wish it’d use a different figurative metaphor. But obviously, yeah, I’m stressed out and nervous.

In addition, though not really, I just tried to drink some coffee again. I didn’t think the mate would take over so quickly for me, but I prefer it. It’s been a few days now and I must admit… I love it! I think I’ve had enough time to compare how it treats me compared to coffee and it’s an incredible contrast. I brewed up one pot of coffee, had a mug, and now I cannot focus. It seemed to hurt my stomach as well despite having a full meal not too long ago. I’m a bit tired but now I feel like headache is coming on. I’m realizing I usually feel this way when I have coffee and I’m kind of shocked I just powered through it and thought it was helping me. I won’t say no to beautifully made coffee at a shop but I’m not sure I can continue having it at home, it doesn’t feel good. I already want to get in bed until the jitters stop but I have a lot to do. I’m likely going to have to throw out the rest of this pot which I feel awful about but I can’t finish it. I feel a bit nauseous as well and I’m sure that’s from the huge injection of acid from the coffee. This makes me sad! But, I do appreciate being able to recognize the effects these things have on me now instead of just chugging and and being oblivious. I feel way too “on” right now and it’s making my brain have the bad kind of tunnel vision. I’m trying to remember if I was always this sensitive to caffeine?

Unfortunately, I have a lot of coffee I accumulated during this quarantine and I suspect I’m not really going to want to finish what I have. I thought I wouldn’t have enough to last me without buying some every two weeks but this has happened instead. Hmmm.

Tired and looking for excuses

It’s getting close to Tuesday, and I need everything done by Monday. I always seem to do this to myself.

Thank you to the person that took that color poll! Yellow Ochre is actually one of my favorite colors, it’s like a toned down mustard-y hue. In some instances it may come across as grayed out and unflattering but I’ve always found it to be an appealing, earthy color. Despite it being a favorite there’s a reason it was in that poll, I haven’t used it extensively in a very long time. Though, as I write this, I am realizing I only have one tube of it and it’s running low, ha. But, I know it’s possible to mix something close to it even if it’s not the pure version. We’ll see :).

I have an ambitious but feasible goal that can be achieved if I do a consistent amount of work spread across a certain period of time. Some days I am extremely productive and others I accomplish absolutely nothing and lose momentum. However, I have now reached the stage where it borders on self sabotage. For whatever reason I’ve been sleeping a lot more and questioning what I’ve made so far.

But, as a really lovely reprieve, my Out on the Town class met for the final time today via zoom. And… we played Cards Against Humanity! And it was incredible fun. I feel like we all learned a little more about each other, hehe.

And, something I can feel mostly good about is finally settling the hospital bill I kept forgetting about. The car accident was October 9th and my foolish self let that statement go for this long. I got rear ended on my way to the gym (I know, hard to believe I went to the gym). The person behind me was rear ended which caused them to hit me, and the person who ran into us both clearly had a very old hooptie that seemed to just give out. The folks were really sweet, including the person whose old car got absolutely destroyed. I think we all ended up being okay but it was cut and dry and the hospital was conveniently around the block. I drove myself over and visited urgent care for the first time in my life. Had a good cry and obviously had whiplash, they gave me some pain meds, and after a few months my neck was back to normal. I was one step away from having this bill taken care of months ago but allowed it to get away from me which isn’t okay. But hey, it’s done now. One less thing to worry about. My car is still beat up though, ahh. Also, that was a long tangent? Moving on!

For the rest of tonight I’m going to try and get a decent chunk done on these paintings, like usual, and start maybe one or two more small works on paper. But what do I actually wanna do? I wanna play video games and read. I started playing Astral Chain and I already really love it. I’m also tempted to ruin my life with Animal Crossing but I’m a few days away from freedom. However, I have another big task after thesis is over, and that’s packing up for New Jersey. I’ll need to order boxes and start putting things away, then organize for some kind of moving truck situation to come and pick up my things. sigh

For now… work, work, work and eat, eat, eat. (I ordered some Nashville hot chicken and got DANG is it good motivation to race to the finish)

P.S. This is something I came across yesterday, really great selection of music. The Turkish set they have is fantastic too. There’s a jazz piece in this video that sounds so much like what Yoko Kanno would eventually do for things like Cowboy Bebop and you just… you can’t go wrong with Funk and Soul from anywhere. I think so, at least.

It's that time again... which color? And musings on a book about color

So, none of you asked for it, but here it is again… I once again need help making decisions about color! I fulfilled the previous votes on color and it was legitimately fun having that constraint, or rather, guidance. The cadmium green and chocolate brown pieces have been posted, they’re small works on paper and I’ll likely attempt them again to create more faithful adaptations of the colors.

However, I made the mistake of listing a color I absolutely use all the time, rose pink. Haha. I did start a small paper piece for that as well. But, I humbly ask you kind people that visit this page to assist me again. I still have another slew of pieces I need to produce for thesis next week and this is a nice way to bite the bullet and at least start something.

Thanks again to the folks that voted previously, I was surprised I got any response at all!

And thank you to the one person that responded to my previous poll on books! I know it’s a pain to answer questionnaires and surveys (it’s also dawning on me that it’s a task that’s probably increased ten fold if people are in school or doing most of their work through the net… yikes!)

This Gaston Bachelard fellow that was mentioned by ~ you ~ sounds incredibly interesting, the pyshcological impact of physical spaces is something I often think about (especially now) so I hope I’ll dig into that one day soon! Thank you!

And to share the tidbit of my own reading that I said I would… I’ve been most compelled by the Victoria Finlay book Color: A Natural History of the Palette. I mentioned it briefly in a prior post but after having started it I honestly am thrilled with it! It’s not just a history lesson on where certain pigments came from (though I’d honestly enjoy that too). There are incredibly thoughtful insights into how color feels and impacts people, the symbolic value attached, and the complicated physical components to produce these various colors in a usable form. So, yes, a history lesson with a delectable amount of context and content. The way Finlay writes about it all is so beautiful as well. Steeped in knowledge while adding prominent, glittering commentary of how it all fits together on a person level. I will attach a really gorgeous description that still has me thinking (highlighted below, but the whole page is great):

Isn’t that a magnificent tradition and notion?

While I’m familiar with the beauty of Orthodox religious icons, and truly adore them, I was not aware of this belief of inner light. But if you look at any of those paintings it becomes abundantly clear. The careful glazing, earthy tones while still incorporating real, jewel-like color that almost shines like stained glass… it makes sense. I think I was so struck by this because it’s something I try to achieve in my own work. On a visual level I try to add depth by emphasizing the contrast and dorms that arise out of particular light situations. But on an emotional and psychological level I try to capture certain moods and ambiences that arise from how light is handled.

Is this intimate? Is this frightening? Is this a room full of sunlight? Is this the light you find when making love under the moonlight?

I’d like to quote my professor Allison Miller in regards to all of this. She was discussing the kind of tones and lighting I seemed to be attempting in a particular painting: “It’s like a light you turn on when you fuck.” Mmm! I love that!

Remember, her words, not mine. Though I honestly wish I came up with that and had the ability to allow myself to curse, haha. And obviously that’s one aspect of things someone can feel but I still think about that quote fondly. It also makes me laugh despite it being a serious, though jovial, comment.

And, to get a little more personal, trying to find the light inside is important and also difficult. I struggle with that every day and obviously so do many others. Especially now! It might be why I resort to using such bright colors and glowing compositions. To find it outside of myself. But, the more I see it in other people the more I am able to look within and bring it out for myself.

So, that kind of derailed a bit but I wanted to sum up and say… read that book on color, thank you for taking the time to interact with me, I hope we all can continue to feel better, and… I’ll talk to you all again soon!

My Maté Mate

Rather impulsively, I purchased a mate gourd and a bag of yerba mate from Argentina in an effort to try something new and potentially replace my coffee drinking. I was inspired to do so from watching a Bon Appetit video where they showcased their chefs making coffee at home. Gaby, the lovely test kitchen manager, is Argentinian and doesn’t drink coffee, but she does drink mate. She had a vibrant assortment of various cups and gourds with a modest blue one being her favorite. Her demonstration of its preparation was intriguing to me because I realized I actually had no idea what mate actually was or how it was traditionally prepared. It felt like a ritual, and anything that seems witchy and steeped in a rich tradition is pretty appealing to me. It’s a sort of tea but I was under the assumption it was just run of the mill black tea. It couldn’t be more different, it’s akin to green tea but still extremely distinct. I’d say it’s earthier but perhaps slightly less astringent than green tea. I was hit with the dense herbaciousness pretty strongly the first few sips but then it mellowed out nicely as I continued to drink throughout the day. Supposedly you keep refilling the cup with hot (but not too hot) water until the leaves have exhausted their flavor. It’s a small cup but I’ve refilled it several times and the taste is still present. If I had an equivalent amount of coffee I’d probably feel like my nerves were fried. I’m sure I can abuse this drink too but I hope I won’t since I’m quite pleased with the way it’s making me feel in this initial tasting. I’m not fried but certainly stimulated. That’s a good thing!

The accoutrements!

There was a lot of this excess powder, I wasn’t sure when to stop shaking and wiping my palm.

The bombilla! What a name! ☺️

And so I sip.

This is probably the only sort of paraphernalia for something so specific I’ve ever acquired. And I can’t help but think it looks… vaguely similar to a certain other kind of paraphernalia which does make me chuckle and roll my eyes begrudgingly. Even the darn residual powder 🙄And it is, again, a ritualistic thing with multiple (albeit simple) steps to its preparation. However, instead of being bulbous and phallic-esque, I feel like my vessel looks like a small witch’s cauldron, how romantic. 💜

1. Put a few spoonfuls of tea into the cup.

2. Place your palm atop the opening of the cup and shake the tea to catch and remove excess powder on your palm.

3. Tilt the cup and redistribute the tea until the leaves lie at a steep angle.

4. Dig the bombilla into the bottom of the mound and ensure it rests against the side of the cup.

5. Add a few splashes of cold water to the most shallow side.

6. Heat water (but not too hot) and pour into the shallow side, filling just underneath the peak of the mound of tea.

7. Sip and enjoy!

I like it!

My hips, my back

And on that note… while I know I’m not stupid I certainly feel that way writing this thesis paper. I look at the draft I sent last December and I have no idea where I pulled that vocabulary from. I envy my past self for being able to speak more eloquently. While I really enjoy informal writing I can’t seem to do it in a way that’s still sharp witted and loose. It seems to be other bogged down in academic language or 8th grade levels of writing ability with rudimentary language and messy structure.
Having trouble sleeping right now, the bed is honestly too short so my feet hang off of it if I’m not curled up into a ball. How did I miss that? However, in this moment of not sleeping (4:54 AM) I’m also able to feel the DOMS from the ab exercise I did the other day. My ribs all have tender, achy flesh in between them, which is actually quite a nice sensation since I don’t often feel my ribs so clearly. My hips feel it too, which is less pleasurable but still a nice acknowledgement of the meat on my bones getting activated.

Also, earlier tonight Saul and George saw me carry in a painting while they talked outside and were excited about it. Thanks, guys! Saul even said to let him know if I’d be willing to sell him any art before I leave to return to New Jersey. Feels good ☺️