Book backlog

In my effort to resume reading (in order to enrich my life, aha) I often overlook the fact that I have a small library in my closet. I picked up a rudimentary stand/display cabinet from the free pile at school and started placing most of my books within it. Art reference material and a lot of paperbacks across a variety of genres. To make room for my art supplies last month I had to move it into the closet, also out of fear of the books being damaged if I worked too closely to them. I started several but have finished almost none. I’ll provide a backlog of what I remember here that’s in progress, minus the newest ones I’ve been reading:

1. First Love and Other Stories - Ivan Turgenev

2. Attached - Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

3. Braving the Wilderness - Brene Brown

4. If the Buddha Dated - Charlotte Kasl

5. Oblomov - Ivan Goncharov

6. Sanshiro - Natsume Soseki

7. Inferno: A Poet’s Novel - Eileen Myles

8. Self-Compassion - Kristin Neff

I suppose once all this graduate school business is over I could give myself time to actually finish these. I bought each of them for very specific reasons and there they are languishing in my overstuffed closet. Bummer. Might have to make a google doc to keep track of everything I happen to have.

Below is something my friends and I have been texting/zooming each other about a lot. (I’m also part of a book club for a book not listed here, my first time being in one!) Entering this with some trepidation since there’s a chance there will be no response but it’s nice hearing from people who happen to visit. And should that occur I’ll still share a little background on the texts that are pulling me in the most:

Thesis pieces

I did indeed order tacos, and burritos, and a burger, and fried cheesecake bites… I may not partake in green and herbal activities but I absolutely ate like a stoner yesterday. I felt so disgusting afterwards and it was absolutely worth it. I did it in bed too. Appropriate. :)

I didn’t know what to think about what I wrote last night for thesis, so I had the automated speech of the computer read it back to me. Here it is 🤖:

I know this is not necessarily the diary portion of this site, but I’ve been treating it with a similar sense of transparency so I’ll share this out of a bit of shame. I have sadly since broken the no caffeine streak I had going. That darn Dalgona coffee seemed so enticing, like an accessible luxury. So…. I made some. And guess what? I’m really into it. Instant coffee frothed into a whipped, creamy dollop is actually fantastic. I mixed sugar into mine so the peaks were extra stiff and lasted a while on top of the milk (and it was nice and sweet). Trying not to make it so often since it’d mean having to buy more milk from the store. Very much tempted to make a pot of coffee, however. Exactly what I feared. I’ll still be tired but with the added, scratchy layer of neurosis.

But hey, good news. For those kind souls that voted on colors I would use next I have finally finished something for the cadmium green folk. It’s not exclusively cadmium green… so I apologize. I’ll probably attempt another piece soon that’s more faithful to the color 💚 But here’s a small artwork on paper with a combination of soft pastel, oil pastel, and oil paint.

Palm(?) fronds by the front door of the complex at night.

I’ll take a proper picture later for the gallery. It’s been so long since I’ve added anything to it, whew! How nice! Thanks again, folks.

Also, in a random search for cool organ music I came across this composer as her name was mentioned multiple times. This doesn’t involve an organ but I thought it was really eerie and lovely. Enjoy.

Drawing party

Got to draw today in independent study. Very stoked and inspired. Not thinking too hard and just enjoying the act of making were something I needed.

Drawing party with Ben and crew 🌈💗

Also a zoom birthday for MJ! I’m sure I’ll have more to say later, but it’s a happy Sunday so far and I needed it.

Later: Joined the surpirse zoom birthday party and it was so lovely! Met a bunch of Nikki and MJ’s friends from back in NYC. I was mainly an observer just enjoying the banter but that was pleasant and comfortable. They’re all humorous and engaging folk, my cheeks were hurting from laughing and smiling so much by the end of it. They even play video games! Considering getting DOOM Eternal since some of them mentioned how good it was. I’m still in the middle of my own backlog though so perhaps another time. Also, that’s the most I’ve seen people light up and smoke weed in a while. We want past midnight EST so folks set things abalze in honor of MJ and the day. Shelby even took a dab befoer that which I haven’t seen in ages and it was suggested everybody hop on the next day so they could party down again. I have class and don’t dabble in the bud but it would have been nice to hangout again. I’d raise my glass of tequila, rose vodka, brandy, wine, or whatever in order to participate.

I even painted afterwards!

Thursday

Firstly, I’d like to thank the folks that were kind enough to fill out that poll! I had two votes for cadmium green, one for rose pink, and one for chocolate brown. I don’t have to choose for myself after all! I’ve decided I’ll work through the ones voted for the most/chronologically and address other colors as well. As soon as I work through those first three colors I’ll create another poll with a new set and include any that weren’t chosen previously. Thank you 🙏🏽

“We live in a dirty butthole society” - Katharine K on the TP crisis

I did a ten minute ab workout before dinner and stretched for 15 minutes afterwards. My body seems to be nothing but a disgusting mess of knots. I never regret working out so why is it so hard to motivate myself to do it? The eternal question. Anyway, here’s dinner:

My appetite has returned, though I didn’t eat much of this thanks to a rogue bowl of cereal I had right beforehand. I should have used the coconut cream and not the lite, but they didn’t have a normal can at Sprouts when I last shopped. Bummer.

Since I’ve been focused on the irritation and agitation and PAIN, here’s a poem. The first I’ve written in a long time. I’d call the flavor and depth angsty teenage Nef but with the world weariness of an adult minus any eloquence:

I can’t stand forever

I can’t put it in

I felt the heat rising and it boiled the humor out of me

It precipitated to the roof of my skull

Then fell back down to the pit of my stomach

Vapors filling my chest

It wants to implode

But my head is still here

The dome vibrating and humming

I retreat to the bed

Unable to quiet the pounding

Bleeding makes it louder

My thighs stick together and my spine twists too far

I try to push the pressure out

But it pushes back

I’m the only one here

My body protests and insists the other one is there

I understand, this is how it is

I shut my eyes down and the nerves open up

I can’t stand at all

I can’t get it out 

And on that note… Ginrou Kaiki is the kind of campy, awesome fun I hoped it would be. To my ignorant western perspective it’s essentially got the vibe of an anime turned live action show. It’s OTT and goofy. Plus it’s got a dope opening theme:

ニコニコからの転載です。

Dianthus Pink and a Hard Reset (done softly)

Going to try and remember today in particular to track what changes.

Meanwhile, one of those things in the alchemical, tangible, corporeal, and tactile realm is mixing paint. I mix paint often, but I do not often mix it on a palette. Even rarer is keeping them medium free. I needed more of Williamsburg’s Dianthus Pink. It’s a creamy, opaque, and firm light, rosy pink. According to Cheap Joe’s Art Stuff (though perhaps this is listed on Williamsburg’s website as well) it is a true, clear pink. There is no yellow or orange mixed in. Just a pink pigment and white. Specifically, quinacridone and a titanium white.

I used:

Titanium Dioxide (Fast Matte)

Underpainting White

Quinacridone Rose

Permanent Rose

Quinacridone Opera

Marble Dust

And here I am mixing it:

That’s quite actually it. You hardly get to see me even mix it since it’s about 80% there when I start recording. Apologies.

I may attempt this again while properly showing the beginning process, which is probably the most “““exciting””” part.

Soft Reset

April 7th completely flew away from me. Each day feels a little more incomprehensible and like I’m entering an abyss of time. But, I cleaned, organized, painted, and actually washed my face. Oh, and I talked too long again. I’m dying to eat fresh vegetables and will probably cave and go to the grocery store.

At least there’s paint mixing. It always feels good throwing things into a jar even if I don’t use them well.

I wish I could remember what they were so I could properly assess. Oops.

Raining today

Feels like New Jersey out here. I could hear steady rainfall outside my window. I don’t necessarily want to stay in bed but I definitely feel more inclined to when it rains. Note to self: clear off the bed so you can actually sleep comfortably and try sleeping on the neglected half.

No one’s home. But a mess certainly is.

Saturday night/Sunday morn

Never been good at math.

Monday

Hi. It’s been a long but good day. Classes have resumed and we’re all communicating via Zoom. I got hit with a wave of exhaustion after critique ended despite sleeping well and feeling energized earlier. Now I’ve reached the point in the night where I’m tired but restless, classic combo.

My jewelry dish, post it’s, and airplane wine I refuse to open

Goods from Sprouts

I had to stand in line outside, which sounds like standard operating procedure now. Not shown: Oatly Oatmilk

My good hat

My relatively new Carhartt hat. I’ve developed a love for baseball/Dad caps but realized I’m particular about the ones I get. A lot of them don’t comfortably fit my gigantic phat baby head. This one can help me pretend I’m a handy-person that works hard

Salmon bowl

I think I haven’t been nourishing myself properly the past few days. I wanted something filling with fresh veggies. This contains homemade pickled veggies, a tahini yogurt sauce, a bed of chickpeas/quinoa/lentils/leftover rice/carrots, and some crumbled shio koji salmon. I’m proud of it, honestly. Came out great.

Nightcap

Hot sake with dinner the other night as well as tonight. I put a small amount of water in it to smooth it out. Heat cheap sake up to make it easier to drink.

The above set of photos are from (most) of my day today. I went grocery shopping in the morning. I had a light breakfast then a light lunch before class, passed out for a few hours after class, cobbled together dinner, and now I’m sitting at my desk. I’m sipping hot sake and questioning if I mess myself up by painting for a few hours or if I should just go to bed.

All I managed to do today. I used my new Tombows. Need to find my blending stumps

Not gonna lie, it’s been weird. Duh, obviously. But it comes in stronger some days than it does others. I know this is just reality, but I want to make sure I don’t get lost in the malaise. And I know it’s silly to say goodnight since someone could read this at any point in the day… but goodnight.

In my room

Hello there.

I’d like to attempt something new. Not new at all in the grand scheme of things but something I did not personally expect to consider anytime soon. I’d like to invite people into my bedroom. It is now where I work, eat, and sleep full time. My entire painting studio is confined to this space. However, having to bring back most of my studio belongings and re-arrange/organize my bedroom to compensate… I’m finding it’s actually quite nice. This room is larger than I realized and I have enough space to rest and efficently work. That hasn’t really been a thing for me, organizing and any sort of cohesion. But, I actually like it!

I find it intriguing enough that I’d like to share it with whomever happens upon this part of my quiet site. I can’t responsibly have friends over and I can’t go outside without experiencing some unease.

Many of us are cooped up, following protocol. Isolation isn’t exactly great for emotional health, wealth, and happiness even though it’s necessary right now. We’re all finding and re-evaluating ways to connect. Small gestures mean a lot, especially now, and this is my small gesture. I realize it’s not much, but it’s what I got. If we’re going to be alone we might as well be alone, together. Right?

My palette and my seat

I grabbed a mirror one of my neigbors was throwing out and have been using it as a palette for the past month. I inherited the bean bag from a friend and use it to comfortably work on the floor and stare at the wall. The rug was also a generous hand-me-down.

The view

The view outside my window. I often see people walking by. I’m hoping I’m not disturbing them by leaving my blinds open while I work at my desk since we’re only a few feet away. I like having light, though, you know?

Lamp and leaf

I’ve had this touch lamp for a long time and I love it. I picked up that leaf off the ground a week ago because it looked so pretty and I’m hoping to utilize it as a reference for something at some point. Also, La Croix and flavored vodka as a quick and easy studio drink.

Spooky art altar

The Alla Prima Altar? That’s probably a bit much, but I keep supplies under the mirror (and on top) and I’ve been enjoying placing candles on the mirrored glass. The painting in this shot is one I’m hoping to finish soon.

My bedmate

My friend and rib pillow with my favorite coffee mug. Messy desk in the distance with more unfinished work.

Feel free to join me on this exploration of my space. I’ll provide the what, why, huh?? and how, if y’all are interested. At the very least it will grant me the incentive to make my bed in the morning.

Talk to you soon :)

- Nef