As of an hour ago I finished doing another session of yoga. This time geared specifically towards the release of anger.
That’s an interesting hot take, Co-Star. How… poignant of you.
I had a very lovely zoom call with Nikki and Delaney, and the topic of anger came up. I was asked if I get angry ever. I do! I’m angry all the time it feels like. They both shared similar sentiments since a lot of it stems from the circular anxiety and bottling that tends to happen. It’s important to express your emotions and allow them to expire naturally but I’m not sure I’ve ever had a great outlet for my frustration or anger. I’ve learned to internalize it, which as of recently hasn’t been great and I often experience flashes of white hot rage that I further push down and put away. The anger winning usually involves me shutting myself away and staying in bed. And/or crying. I don’t get high, I don’t drink, I don’t go for a run, I don’t yell, I don’t throw and destroy things, I just lie down and simmer. While I’d argue it’s reached an all time high these past two years I’d say it’s been its most unbearable now, when I’m stuck inside. I ruminate, get put back in those maddening places all over again, and feel the fury bubble up for the thousandth time. I even think about things from a decade ago and retroactively experience anger when I should have felt it then.
Maybe I’m making up for lost time, for emotions that didn’t get to live out their moment, but it’s not good. I don’t think anger is a useless emotion, but I have so little wherewithal regarding how to grasp it that it incapacitates me. Efforts I made to express it before were embarrassing and usually exacerbated things. I want every part of myself to exist organically, but that also means healthily. That’s why I did the yoga tonight. And the interesting thing is that it wasn’t what I presumed it would be. I expected a lot of active movement and shifting positions, but it was actually a lot of laying flat on the floor. I spent several minutes breathing deeply and pressing my whole body downwards, and I think that makes sense. It calmed me down rather than igniting and exhausting the fumes. I’m not “cured” but I’m pleased at how easy that was to do, even just as a distraction.
Now I’m thinking of the phrase “emotion is stored in the hips" once again. If that’s true, I’ve had a lot emotion pent up and inflicted on that area of my body. I’d like to work it all out eventually.
To quote Adriene, whose yoga video I followed, “Let some of that shit go, leave it on the mat.”
I’m trying!