I keep re-learning the lesson of a clear bed = good sleep and cluttered bed = bad sleep. And prior to that is the rule about making your bed once you get up. Last night was the best sleep I’ve gotten in a couple of weeks. Not best ever, but better than it has been. The only thing I need to figure out is the pillow situation. I’m not sure if it’s a consequence from being rear-ended last year or in general but I can’t use a pillow comfortably. I used my quilt blanket like a flattened pillow, it kind of worked but still wasn’t right. Maybe a neck pillow will be the next way to go. Not using one at all sometimes works but isn’t perfect either. Ah well, point is that I got some proper rest last night. However, I’m still exhausted so I’m gonna fall back into a nap pretty soon.
I’m going to try and follow a schedule today. I spent too much time in bed the past few days which sabotaged any real progress for packing. If I start packing at 1 PM today and work for say… 8 hours? Until 9 PM while following the Pomodoro method… that should mean a decent amount of things packed… I hope. I have to go to the studios tonight to finish repairing which is why I want to follow this schedule so I’m not panicking trying to do two things at once (it’s also the last day I’m scheduled with permission to go over there so… yeah).
I’m very tempted to throw out the bedding I got for my time in LA. It’s been through the ringer. The comforter is pretty gross with stains from food accidents and art accidents. I don’t remember it being too expensive but I’m sentimental, as I’ve mentioned. There’s sketches and unfinished paintings where it’s present. We have plenty of blankets at home that are higher quality. Then again, maybe throwing it out will also be cathartic (as well as practical). I don’t think too negatively when looking at the patterns but I’m realizing I had some of the worst moments of my life while splayed out on that bedding. I thankfully got to leave a lot of that behind in the old apartment but those things don’t ever really go away. I feel like it’s where pink being a painful color for me potentially originated. I love pink, but it’s almost in a masochistic, manic way. I associate it with feeling like a wonderfully feminine woman, sex, intimacy, eroticism, tenderness, euphoria, love… and also the flipside of insecurities involving all of those things. Feeling self-conscious, feeling like I’m only going to get hurt, like I can’t trust anyone who might be attracted to me, that I’m not worthy or smart enough to be told the truth or treated like an adult, like I’ll never get my act together, that I’m not pretty, that I’m unreliable, that I have poor judgement, that I’ll never fall in love again. The extreme highs and lows are inextricably entwined with each other and I cannot separate them yet. When I feel my most awful I tend to use pink to try and “brighten” my spirits. Lonely? Pink. Furious? Pink. Depressed in a multitude of ways? Pink. While I don’t feel this way all the time I do feel this way most of the time. If this sounds concerning, don’t worry. I was truly miserable back then, to a humiliating degree. But I can confidently say, while I don’t feel great, I’m in a much better place now than I was back then. We had to do reflections on color a long time ago for thesis and I realized blue, yellow, and pink were my most cherished and utilized colors. But I realized I gravitate towards blue when I feel calm and neutral. Yellow is when I’m truly happy and feel like a walking ball of sunshine. Pink is when I’m falling apart and doing my best to seem okay and elevate my mood. Still looking for that peace🔵 and happiness🟡though. Maybe I’ll talk about that more so I can narrow down what I’m trying to gain from this thing called life. Anyway, long story long, I should throw out that bedding.
My room in New Jersey is already pretty loaded with baggage and objects I should probably put away without me bringing more into the fold. Ideally I could just take away the positives and not feel so strongly when looking at/using certain things but that’s always been an issue for me. Working on it.
For now, I think I’m going to order some fuel after my nap finishes up at 1 and get cracking.
P.S. Here’s a fun distraction I came across. I love The Thing, one of my favorite horror movies and one I watch every year. Here it’s combined with the amusing and cute Pingu. It’s pretty great. And if you’re not familiar with Lee Hardcastle please acquaint yourself with his goofy, gory, well crafted, and entertaining claymations.